Not a good weekend

This weekend has been crap, if I'm honest.  I feel so incredibly low.

I've had a cold since Friday, a full blow whopper of a cold, and I've had horrible toothache in a tooth that I had filled a few months ago.  I suspect this means root canal treatment is on the cards which scares me.  But the biggest issue is that I've had several panic attacks regarding the adoption.

Friday night/Saturday morning I was lying in bed, nose permanently running, thinking about the future and a wave of panic washed over me.  I had to get up and walk round, and then decided to have a hot drink and turn on the TV.  "The Bucket List" film was on which I'd always wanted to see.  It's a great film starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, playing two guys who have cancer and write a list of things they want to do before they 'kick the bucket'. It's funny, honestly.  And touching.

Yesterday I just wanted to curl up alone whilst Daddy went to work, but there was a small matter of a 5 year old who needs constant attention.  What I really wanted to do when she told me yet another fact or fib, or something that I had to pretend to be, was "yeah whatever". Of course, I didn't.  I joined in as much as I could but also just had to rest on the sofa too.  I was in no mood for her tantrums which unfortunately numbered several yesterday, over the slightest thing.  Missy decided she was clumsy after hearing the word on Cbeebies.  I said she wasn't which she took great offense at, folded her arms, humphed at me, went to other end of sofa and told me not to touch her.  Whatever.  When Daddy rang to see how I was I just burst into tears.  He admitted too that he wasn't feeling much of an attachment.

I didn't sleep much at all again last night due to toothache, cold and panic but Daddy was lovely and let me lie in til midday whilst he took charge.  Another wave of panic washed over me whilst lying in bed - is this it, is this our future?  It scares me, I'll be totally honest.  I'm not sure I can cope.  Having thoughts such as how lovely it would be to have Christmas just the two of us, or how maybe I could just escape to Mum's for a few days can't be right.   Perhaps I have post adoption depression, I don't know.

Missy was pretty good this morning on the whole but had a tantrum earlier when I asked her to put her socks on and blow her nose.  I try to do the whole therapeutic parenting thing, not raise my voice etc but I'm worn out.  Daddy did the same and somehow he usually manages to turn tears into laughter.  He's taken Missy out for an hour and half so just me and my lovely cats are here now.  I've just rung my Mum for some support, she's been so lovely, I wish she lived nearer.  And now I'm putting stuff down in words with tears streaming down my eyes.  Maybe it's the cold and toothache is just making me feel really low.  I think of my friend who has three children, one with ADHD and a little boy same age as Missy who is autistic and wonder how she copes.  In my eyes she is Wonder Woman.  Hopefully I'll feel better once I actually get better, and we'll speak to our social worker this week too.  Not a good weekend.