Wednesday 28 November 2012

Emotions all over the place

Monday morning, after sobbing over a coffee in Costa and in the supermarket when Daddy rang, I rang our SW who was very supportive.  SWs are there to help and we will be using them as much as possible.  I hear of other adopters who don't have good relationships with their SWs which is sad as adoption certainly can't be done alone.

I cried down the phone to her. I explained I felt like I wanted my old life back, how I was panicking, off food (very unlike me), diminishing attachment and not sleeping.  She listened and also gave some ideas of why I was feeling like I do.  She also wanted me to go to the GPs, but I won't because I am very anti anti-depressants, they only mask the symptom, not help the problem.

Daddy said it was obvious I don't want to be in the same room as LO and whilst he is doing his best, if there was a speech bubble above his head I know it would be saying things akin to how I feel.   We want the best for each other, nothing will get in between us and at the moment Missy is making us feel very negative.  I'll rephrase that - Missy being here is making us feel very negative.  I'm not blaming her, she doesn't understand her behaviour and the trauma she has been through will be reflected in this behaviour.

So yesterday two SWs came to visit me.  Unfortunately Daddy was at work so couldn't join in the conversation. As soon as I started to speak I cried and the tears didn't stop for nearly two hours.  I explained exactly how I felt and right there and then, sat on the sofa, I honestly felt I wanted Missy to go and for my life to get back to how it was. Horrible I know.

However, they sat, they listened, they offered suggestions and possible ways forward and they are coming back one evening next week so that Daddy can speak to them too.

Last night Missy was relatively ok in her behaviour. We watched Cinderella which I've actually never watched before in my life.  Lovely film but I did have to do a running commentary.  At other times it is like she is possessed.  The Exorcist film springs to mind, sorry but it does.  The devil appeared at tea time, at times it's quite frightening to see this little 5 year old act like she does.  I tried a calming strategy suggested by the SWs but she thought it was a great game and ran round the living room.

She wet herself in the night and her crying woke Daddy up.  Poor thing.  We sorted her out and calmed her and all went back to bed.  This morning I still feel panicky and am just going through the motions of caring.  Of course, the level of care will not diminish.  I will give her the utmost care, but love too ....?   Daddy also obviously was not feeling his best and had the 'whatever' attitude.   So on top of my negative feelings I now also feel very guilty.  What if this adoption did disrupt?  Yes, I'm using that term already as I feel that low.  What additional trauma would we place on Missy?

SWs want me to be good to myself.  So I'm going shopping and then I'll go visit Daddy at work before picking up Missy.

1 comment:

  1. I just want to send you a huge hug here hon. There are not other words (((hugs)) I wish we could have a chat on the phone xxx


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