Sunday, 2 September 2012

Head on Spin Cycle

"Adoption is like all the stress of pregnancy but without a due date".   Oh how true!  I heard this saying back when we started the process and it's a perfect description.

If I were pregnant right now I'd be around 33 weeks.  I'd know the due date of my baby, I'd know when all my hospital appointments/ante-natal classes are, we'd be able to plan for everything.  But I'm not pregnant.  Yes we've been linked with a little girl and have discussed a potential due date for her coming her permanently, but that was about three weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since.  We don't know date for Matching Panel and we haven't yet got a date to meet Little One's social worker.  We don't know what clothes she'll come with so we don't know what to buy.  We don't know what toys and books she'll come with (although we have been told she had got a lot).  In fact, we don't actually know for certain she's coming to us. Something might hold up the process, something might halt the process.  Then again we could be parents at the end of October.

I feel kind of in limbo.  As primary carer I am expected to give up my job for 6-12 months.  As I'm self-employed, in one sense that makes things easier but on the other hand I get no adoption pay (very unfair as self employed birth mothers get maternity allowance!).  I have two roles and one of them I am starting to wind down, not take on new clients and am advising current clients that I won't be available for a while until into the New Year.  My other role, well I can sort of keep that going - I know I will be physically and mentally exhausted but I have a great team that will look after each other whilst I'm not around - I'll explain more another time.

I've been reading a lot about adoption and being a Mum in general; NetMums, MumNet, Adoption UK websites.  My head is really in a spin.  I feel excited, I feel nervous, I feel in limbo, I feel worried, I feel this is so right, I feel .....well, I'm not sure, a whole mix of emotions.  I'm downing Royal Jelly like it's going out of fashion and generally trying to be good to myself.

In the meantime, Daddy-to-be and me are going to the Paralympic Athletics today.  I am soooo excited about this.  These Paralympians are truly amazing and awesome.  I wonder if our little one will like sport - I hope so as we do like our sport in this family.

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