Walking back to happiness, woopah, oh yeah!

For those of you of a certain age, you'll probably be singing the title of this blog for a while :-)

When you have a child, birth or adopted, you wonder if they'll like the same things as you as they grow up. Having adopted a five year old with definite ideas of her own and who probably had never been on a countryside walk before, we hoped she would come to enjoy our love of the outdoors.  Would she moan every time we mentioned the 'w' word? Would the Lake District be a distant memory for us?

Well, after a wobbly start, I'm relieved to say she loves walking. Hurrah! We bought her some proper walking boots last week and she loves long walks, thinking nothing of a 3-4 miler around the local countryside, which for her little leggies is quite impressive.  Of course, it's even better if we take a picnic with us.

As this morning looked set to be sunny and warm, I asked last night if she'd like to walk to school, which is about 1.7 miles. Yes, yes! she shouted. The first thing she whispered to me this morning as I wearily opened one eye was "Mummy don't forget we're walking today!

Walking to school meant we had to leave 25 minutes earlier than usual and miss Tracey Beaker on CBBC (thank God) and she was ready in good time so off we set in the sunshine. I do feel so much better when the sun is shining and Missy was in a great mood too, pointing out lots of flowers and other things along the way.

We arrived at school in good time, Missy telling everyone that she'd walked a long way - well she had and some of the 4x4 mums were quite impressed.  I walked back, this time with a brisk march, and even managed to jog some of the way.  The exercise and the sun has meant my mood is so much better today, and topped off this morning with another weight loss at Slimming World.

Woopah oh yeah indeed!

Living with Anxiety - Mental Health Awareness Week 2014

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, a very important week in my opinion as I believe far far more people need an understanding of mental health issues and how they affect people.

The problem with mental health is that other people can't, for the most part, see you suffering and because people present themselves as appearing physically well, others assume you are fine.  But inside you're in knots.

This year, Mental Health Awareness Week is focusing on anxiety, something I know quite a lot about. Many people can say they've felt anxious over something, maybe exams or meeting people, and they'll have no lasting effects.  However, for those suffering with chronic anxiety, the situation is much different.  Anxiety is a deep sense of worry, a perceived fear, without there being a definite cause or outcome, ranging from phobias to panic attacks.  Symptoms differ from person to person but can include breathlessness, heart palpitations, tight muscles, insomnia and dizziness.  Anxiety can lead to lack of confidence and self-esteem, crying, feeling irritable and depressed.

My first memory of a panic attack was with an ex-boyfriend in my early 20s: I can't remember exactly why but I remember exactly where I was which was in the car on the way home.  I remember not being able to breathe properly and the feeling lasted a few minutes.  My second memory of anxiety, which continued for many years, was sitting on my sofa about 2pm watching TV when I noticed my heart beating rapidly.  It felt like it was going to burst through my chest.  This coincided with my marriage starting to breakdown.  For the following five or so years, I would wake every single morning in a state of anxiety with my heart beating rapidly and feeling breathless.  Lots was going on in my life at that time; work stress, divorce, relationship stress (see a pattern? LOL). However, in this five year period I did go backpacking around the world alone, a big deal for someone with little confidence, but I loved it and it was a wonderful healing experience for me because no-one I met knew me and couldn't judge me.   Back home, I turned to homeopathy, my confidence grew, I started running, met Daddy and life took a massive positive turn.

My second panic attack, about 10 years ago, was triggered by my tinnitus which I've suffered from for many years.  If, when I'm in bed, when all is quiet and I focus too much on my tinnitus, I can feel the panic rising.  It's a feeling of being trapped within these sounds for the rest of my life.  Luckily I fall asleep quickly so I don't have to lie there too long listening.

So, for a while I enjoyed a good period of my life without too much anxiety - apart from moving house four and a half years ago - but then we decided to adopt.

Soon after Missy came I home I had the biggest Panic Attack I've ever had.  I honestly felt I was going to die, it was horrible.  Since then I've had a smaller panic attack and seem to have returned to that state of constant anxiety; heart pounding, unable to settle, lack of concentration, lack of self -esteem, digestive problems.  Sometimes it's hard to explain how I feel and all I can say is that I feel 'unsettled' and 'all a bit of a to-do'.   I'm not exactly sure what triggers it now because on the whole Missy's behaviour is fine and we can generally manage her and ourselves when she is in meltdown mode. It may be financial stress - I'm not earning but I'm not confident enough to return to my self-employment and I can't find a 9 to 5 job as Missy needs me here before and after school.  It may be loneliness perhaps - apart from the school run (which itself I hate), I don't see many friends each week - this is where Twitter and my adopter friends there have been a lifeline.  I am seeing some fellow adopters each week and really look forward to seeing them all - talking things through, sharing feelings and being supported is a huge step against anxiety.

I've had some good periods, particularly when I concentrate on doing meditation and mindfullness and my new found love for my vegetable plot is really helping.  I'm not a fan of anti-depressants but do find homeopathy and, currently, St Johns Wort are helping take the edge of things.  I really miss running which helped get back on track nine years ago and really need to get my back sorted before I can start again. I have started to go for long walks during the day which I'm really enjoying.  I've returned to healthier eating - too much sugar was bad for my system, plus I put on a stone in weight which in turn meant I couldn't fit into many clothes and my self-confidence took a dive.

Even whilst writing this blog, I can feel my anxiety levels rising.  So once I've finished I shall have a warm drink and then do some meditation before I hit my to-do list.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, 1 in 4 people suffer from chronic anxiety.  Chances are you probably won't even realise that one of your friends, family or colleagues are suffering.  But if you find out they are, please give them as much support as you can.  It's so important that mental health issues are taken very seriously and sufferers don't feel like they have to live with the stigma of a mental health disorder.

Daddy

You may have read in other blog posts about Missy being anti-Daddy.  She only wanted me to wash her, read her story, go out with her, listen to her read, play with her etc. If I said Daddy was going to do it then the responses would be a loud "oh bor-ing!". Unsurprisingly, this was getting to Daddy somewhat. Nothing he could do was right (unless it concerned going to a particular play area or playing rough and tumble). I felt bad for him and I felt exhausted by her constant attention.

However, I'm pleased to say that Daddy is now top man.

This has pretty much been the case since the Celebration Hearing. I think Missy is now used to having a Daddy, used to his new work routine, that he's around at weekends and ok with the fact that he can't take her to school anymore.  It could also be that some of the ideas we've learnt through therapy and training are working. Whatever it is, I like it.

The other day there was lots of laughter in the garden with them playing football and today much more laughter in the house. I thought they were playing Lego but somehow it turned into fun chase round the house.

Wash time in the morning is mostly going without a hitch and Missy even only wanted to read to Daddy one evening this week. She's happy to hold both our hands when she is out and is happy to include Daddy in the pretend play when he gets home.  Over Easter Missy helped Daddy in the garden by helping dig around some old tree stumps that he was removing and she's loved going out on her scooter with him following.

Sure there are still times when she only wants me but from what I can gather from other parents, mummies are generally first choice.  But this is fine by me as on the whole she is no longer anti-Daddy (recent meltdowns aside when she wanted to kill him!).

In other news, I'm loving growing all my veg and ridiculously excited this week seeing all the spinach, carrot, parsnip and broccoili seedlings coming up. This gardening lark is definitely helping to lift my depression.

A weekend of two halves

Well that was a weekend of two halves.

Friday afternoon continued as the morning started, with a meltdown. Happy as anything walking out of school with a friend but as soon as on her own with me, Missy was miserable, rude and violent and this continued for the next hour. I tried to do the special play that we've learnt through some training but just got a barrage of verbal abuse that upset me so much I was fighting back the tears. As soon as Daddy walked in, I ran upstairs to cry. Daddy was brilliant and although he got screamed at, he did manage to calm Missy down.

Saturday started well. We went to a large camping store and fitted Missy out with some cool walking boots and then went to a local park we'd heard about from other adopters. The play area there is very good and Missy loved it. But back home, when it was time for lunch, Missy went into meltdown again, triggered by not wanting what I was cooking (which on other days she would love). This time she tried to bite me several times, kicked me, said she wanted to kill Daddy and hated us all. She refused to eat her lunch but at the same time screamed at us when we removed it from the table. Unfortunately Daddy and I didn't have our therapeutic hats on and probably could have handled the situation better. Eventually she ate her lunch and then kicked off again, literally. This time I took her to her room to calm down, listen to her CDs and eat some grapes. After about 20 minutes she came down for a hug and apologised to both of us.  The rest of the day was fine and Missy happily watched Matilda whilst Daddy and I did some gardening.  At the end of Matilda, the little girl gets adopted by her lovely teacher, Miss Honey.  Missy came to find me and said "So, Mummy, it's a happy ending because Miss Honey adopts Matilda, a bit like my happy ending with my family".

On Sunday, after breakfast we headed to a local nature reserve for a guided two hour walk. There were about 15 of us, with one other child, listing to the very knowledgable Ranger. It's so lovely down there and used to be part of my regular running routes. I miss running around there but we try to walk there regularly. Missy really enjoyed it, in her new shoes. Then back home for lunch and into another meltdown, again triggered by food that normally she loves.  An hour later and she was calmer, having eaten her lunch. I was tired. I've been feeling quite low the last few days and this dark cloud feeling really wipes me out.  However, the afternoon passed by with Missy helping me sow some seeds and then she spent some time on her bike. She's almost got the hang of riding but still can't get started by herself. But yesterday, after a few huffs and puffs, throwing her bike down and an 'I HAAAATE this bike', she managed it three times. Hurrah! The rest of the day passed without incident.

Yesterday started with a huge tantrum. Triggered by food. Again.

She didn't want what we were having which was smoked salmon (65p bargain bucket), scrambled egg and toast event though she's had it before and thoroughly enjoyed it. The other option was cereal and fruit, which she normally has every day before school. Cue screaming, cheekiness and verbal abuse. She also screamed that she wished she didn't live with us and wanted to live by herself.  As usual she eventually calms down and all is ok, although I'm left feeling battered. If we ask her if she can explain in her own words what is upsetting her, she will more often than not scream "Because of YOU!".  I wondered out loud if it was because of her friend moving.

And then we went for a lovely walk in the local countryside, about 90 minutes, before stopping for our picnic (smoked salmon sandwiches by the way, Missy's choice).  Missy loves walking and we often turn it into a treasure hunt, although she'd found most things in the first 20 minutes. Daddy had planned the walk so as to go via a village green where there is a large play area, so Missy was very happy. And the rest of the day was fairly peaceful.

So that was the weekend. Up and down. Round and round. Daddy and I could do with a rest to recover. We can go on endlessly thinking "is it because of this, its it because of that" and I hate having to analyse everything to consider if it's what is triggering Missy.  This morning Missy just wants to go to school to get away from me apparently (woken up in a bad mood).

At the moment I'll reserve judgement on that happy ending just now if that's ok.

Loss (again)

We were late for school this morning. Missy had an epic meltdown just as it was time to leave. I was kicked and punched, cushions and water bottle thrown, car kicked.

A mix of things were troubling here: school summer dress in the wash, nervous about talking to her class about the adoption certificate given to her by the Judge and hating her glasses which amazingly stayed in tact despite flying around the house and car several times. I took the decision that today was not the day to take her certificate in, which angered her even more, but she's not ready yet.

But the issue that I think is the biggy, the one that is at the heart of today's meltdown is that one of her best friends is leaving the school.  She really looks up to this particular girl, a girl I feel is a really positive influence for Missy. Once again Missy will experience loss.

My best friend moved away when I was 6 years old. I still clearly remember crying in the class and not clearly understanding fully that I wouldn't see her again. However we wrote letters each month and are still in contact, forty years later. I probably still have those letters somewhere. I'm not sure how far away her friend is moving but will see what we can do about staying in contact.

But Missy has already experienced too much loss so far in her life than I ever had throughout my childhood.  Missy is showing her feelings about this loss through anger. Today she hates school, she hates everyone at school and says that no one at school likes her, all of which I know is not ordinarily the truth but school is where this loss will appear so she's taking her anger out on the school.  In fact, she hates everything, including herself.

I suspect the long weekend will be a bit up and down in terms of emotions and we will do all we can to support her.

Things We Do : The Round of Applause Game

Right from the start, when Missy came to live with us, we started playing The Round of Applause Game at meal times.   I think at the time I had just read The Magic for the second or third time, in which one of the tasks is to think about things during the day for which you are thankful, the thinking being that gratitude can lead to abundance. So, I thought I'd try something similar at home with Missy and turn it into a game which would hopefully help her self-esteem.

Whenever we all eat together, usually at weekends and occasionally during the week, at the end of the meal we take it in turns to give each other a round of applause.  For example, I'll say "A round of applause for Missy for listening so well in swimming" for which Daddy and I will give the round of applause.  We then take it turns to give each other a round of applause, but with Missy getting the lion's share.  We'll think of activities she's done well in or tried her best; perhaps we'll notice a good behaviour or something she has said.

Lately, we've given Missy a round of applause for helping Daddy dig a big hole in the garden, for keeping going on a long walk, for making a good effort when learning to ride her bike, for making great tasting muffins, for shouting so brilliantly at the London Marathon runners, for painting a fabulous picture, for helping Mummy plant some seeds and for playing so nicely with other children in the park, to name but a few.

Missy loves to receive these positive affirmations.  She's also good at giving them too.  Quite often it's 'a round of applause for Daddy for working so hard' or 'a round of applause for Mummy for another great meal'.  One of my favourites was 'a round of applause for all of us for just being us', along with 'a round of applause for my lovely family'.

No matter the mood she's been in that day, the Round of Applause game will be sure to lift her mood to one of positivity.  I'm sure it's a game we'll be playing for a long time to come.



This post links up with #TheThingsWeDo on The Adoption Social

Who can adopt?

A few weeks ago I posted on Twitter that Missy had been designing my wedding dress for one day when Daddy and I get married.  I had some amusing replies about us not being married but I also got two from people who genuinely were surprised that we weren't and thought that couples had to be married before they could adopt.

There are still many misconceptions about becoming an adopter which I'm sure is putting people off.  Despite many of the adoption information websites explaining who can adopt, it seems for some the message is, sadly, not getting through.

Almost anyone can adopt.  You can be in a straight relationship, a same-sex relationship or you can be a single adopter.  If you're in a relationship, straight or same-sex, it does not matter if you aren't married or entered into a civil partnership.   It may be true that some SWs will frown on you getting married during the approval process - I've heard of a few cases within my LA -  which of course is quite ridiculous in my opinion as it surely shows commitment to each other, and quite frankly who should tell me when I can get married.  Nevertheless some SWs feels it changes things and prefer you to hold on til you have a child.  But the bottom line is you DO NOT have to be married to adopt.

Indeed you don't even have to be in a relationship. I know of a few single adopters who are doing a mighty fine job. One of my favourite blogs is written by a single adopter which you can find at Adopt and Keep Calm. I often find similarities between Missy's behaviour and her son, called Boyo on the blog, and I take comfort from knowing that another adopter is feeling the same as I do.  I take my hat off to them because I don't know if I could have adopted without the support of Daddy.  As a single adopter you will need to show a good support network because adoption can be isolating at the best of times, but if you have good support then there is no reason why you couldn't seek approval.

Age is another area where people think there is a barrier.  Not true.  Technically you have to be over 21 but there is no upper age limit.  Most of the adopters I know were first time adopters in their late 30s to mid 50s. and I do know a wonderful couple who are early 30s.  I was nearly 44 when Missy came home and Daddy was 49.

Already have birth children?  Doesn't matter.  There may be a required age gap between birth child and adopted child and generally they won't place an adoptee who is older than the birth child, but if you can provide a stable loving home then you can certainly look into adoption.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender?  Your sexual orientation is NOT a barrier to adoption. Another of my favourite blogs is written by Nick King at Nick Kings World, writing about himself, his partner J and their two adopted children, whilst Adopting Mummy is writing about her journey to adoption with her partner.

What if you've had a history of depression or trauma in your own life?  That's OK too.  Certainly the adoption agency will talk at length about how you felt but if you can demonstrate how you were supported and how you coped then that is fine.  An understanding of how you felt, your emotions and feelings could indeed help you empathise with your adopted child.  I have suffered from depression several times in my life and, in fact, at the time of our first home study meeting with our SW, Daddy had been written off work for a month with stress and anxiety.

The qualities you do require to be able to adopt are the ability to provide a loving, stable home life, provide safety and security for a child, have bundles of patience and understanding to help them with their challenges as they grow.

If you've ever thought about adoption and thought you couldn't because of a misconception about who can adoption, then do think again.