There's a kind of hush ....

There's a kind of hush, all over the world, sang The Carpenters.  Well, there's a kind of hush in our house at the moment.   There's a distinct lack of meltdowns and major tantrums, no screaming like a banshee, no horrible language, no hitting.  As rollercoasters go, we're in the dip.   We have a chance to take a breather.

It changed a few weeks back after what I affectionately like to call The Big Weekend.  Two events happened that weekend - Missy's birthday and Brownie Camp.

At first we decided that Missy would only attend Brownies during the Saturday daytime.  We felt a sleepover was too soon, particularly one that wasn't at a family members house.  Anyway, we had her birthday as an excuse and told her we had things planned, like grandma coming over.  But then her best friend joined Brownies and best friend was going for the whole shebang, for both nights. Missy begged me to let her stay over. So, we ummed and ahhed and digested and cogitated and decided that, if she really wanted to, Missy could go for one night.  Two nights just wouldn't work anyway, what with her birthday.  She was over the moon.

Then the build up started.  Missy had already been overly excited for her birthday since the beginning of the year.  I'm not joking. She's already talking about what she wants to do next year and who might come along!  Then the meltdowns started, about three weeks before the weekend.  Worry at bedtime, screaming at the top of her voice, meltdowns, trashing her room, anxiety to the nth degree, backchat, threats, hitting, biting, throwing things at me.  You know what, I can't even describe it.  I'm sure other adopters will get the picture.  Maybe think of a feral cat angry at being caged up.   We knew what the anxiety was about - birthday and her first sleepover without us there.  She cried that she wouldn't get a cuddle or hug from us at Camp, we knew she'd be worried about finding the toilets at night, worry about would we miss her.  She even asked if we would have a celebration party when she came home.  We tried our best to be therapeutic, talk about every scenario, talk about what we'd do when she came home.  I had a word with Brown Owl and ensured she was in the same dorm as her best friend.  I spoke to her keyworker and explained how anxious she was.  I apologised to neighbours for the hideous sounds coming from the house every day and, no, nobody was being strangled.  Bless, they were lovely, always are.

We started to think it was a BAD idea suggesting she could go for a night and we should have stuck by our first decision.  I felt guilty that we had put Missy in this position.  We should have just stayed with the original plan of her only going for the day. But we couldn't go back - any suggestion  of not going, of it being fine for her to decide to stay at home was ok by us, just made it worse and she'd be sobbing and begging to go.

So the Big Weekend arrived.  Naturally she couldn't sleep the night before her birthday, or the night before that, or that..  But she had a lovely day.  A quiet day on the whole, we just went out with one friend for tea.  The next day we had to be at Brownie Camp for 10am.  Missy was a little quieter than usual.  We knew she'd be ok during the day, it was just nighttime was the big worry.

We arrived at Camp - a place where the Brownies had been before so at least she knew the layout - and immediately saw her best friend.  We unpacked her stuff, gave her a massive hug, took a deep breath and left.  I kept my mobile phone close all day.

Daddy and I enjoyed a rare night out together, just local though, no more than 10 minutes away.  No calls from Brown Owl thankfully.

When we walked in next day to collect them, Brown Owl tapped me on the shoulder and told me she had been absolutely fine.  And indeed she had.  She LOVED it.  What a MASSIVE RELIEF.   I think the fact she'd missed her group's washing up duty had pleased her from the start.  She'd made lots of arty crafty stuff, ate lots of sweets, made new friends and gone to bed very late after watching Annie (yeah, I know, bet Brown Owl didn't think about that one - luckily Missy loves the film).  She can't wait to go next year for two nights and, you know what, all being well I think she'll be fine.

So since then, there have been no meltdowns, no violence, no piercing screams - just a calmer Missy*.  There are no eggshells to avoid.  Nothing is being thrown or broken.  It's a happier house to be in.






* Missy's 'calm' is of course not a usual 'calm', still a level of anxiety remains.

Tapping away anxiety

I've just watched an interesting discussion about childhood anxiety and depression on TV (with the mums ' fave doctor, lovely Dr Ranj).  Ten minutes wasn't long enough unfortunately and they could do a whole programme on it.

So with this in mind I thought I'd mention something we do to help Missy with her anxiety, alongside all the therapeutic parenting strategies we try to employ.

I've previously mentioned meditation and the guided meditations Missy likes to listen to at bedtime. Another holistic approach we used is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or tapping.  I learnt this simple technique a few years ago. I'm guilty of not using it enough on myself, however I introduced it to Missy a few months ago and now she often asks to do it. In fact she told me she tapped before she went on stage at her school talent show.

Tapping is stimulating the body's meridian points with your fingers, harnessing your body's energy, and using self-healing.  Whilst I can take Missy through a whole tapping routine myself,  we particularly like to follow Brad Yates on YouTube. Brad is a world leader in EFT and has several videos online aimed at kids (demonstrated by his daughter - search for 'Brad Yates Kids'). It only takes five minutes or so and I definitely see an immediate shift in Missy's emotions after that time.  (You can do longer and if you yourself had an appointment with an EFT practitioner you'd probably take an hour).

Missy asks to do tapping when she's feeling angry or sad, but we'll probably use it before we go on holiday and, as mentioned above, I love that she used it to help her feel confident before her talent show.

Living with Anxiety - Mental Health Awareness Week 2014

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, a very important week in my opinion as I believe far far more people need an understanding of mental health issues and how they affect people.

The problem with mental health is that other people can't, for the most part, see you suffering and because people present themselves as appearing physically well, others assume you are fine.  But inside you're in knots.

This year, Mental Health Awareness Week is focusing on anxiety, something I know quite a lot about. Many people can say they've felt anxious over something, maybe exams or meeting people, and they'll have no lasting effects.  However, for those suffering with chronic anxiety, the situation is much different.  Anxiety is a deep sense of worry, a perceived fear, without there being a definite cause or outcome, ranging from phobias to panic attacks.  Symptoms differ from person to person but can include breathlessness, heart palpitations, tight muscles, insomnia and dizziness.  Anxiety can lead to lack of confidence and self-esteem, crying, feeling irritable and depressed.

My first memory of a panic attack was with an ex-boyfriend in my early 20s: I can't remember exactly why but I remember exactly where I was which was in the car on the way home.  I remember not being able to breathe properly and the feeling lasted a few minutes.  My second memory of anxiety, which continued for many years, was sitting on my sofa about 2pm watching TV when I noticed my heart beating rapidly.  It felt like it was going to burst through my chest.  This coincided with my marriage starting to breakdown.  For the following five or so years, I would wake every single morning in a state of anxiety with my heart beating rapidly and feeling breathless.  Lots was going on in my life at that time; work stress, divorce, relationship stress (see a pattern? LOL). However, in this five year period I did go backpacking around the world alone, a big deal for someone with little confidence, but I loved it and it was a wonderful healing experience for me because no-one I met knew me and couldn't judge me.   Back home, I turned to homeopathy, my confidence grew, I started running, met Daddy and life took a massive positive turn.

My second panic attack, about 10 years ago, was triggered by my tinnitus which I've suffered from for many years.  If, when I'm in bed, when all is quiet and I focus too much on my tinnitus, I can feel the panic rising.  It's a feeling of being trapped within these sounds for the rest of my life.  Luckily I fall asleep quickly so I don't have to lie there too long listening.

So, for a while I enjoyed a good period of my life without too much anxiety - apart from moving house four and a half years ago - but then we decided to adopt.

Soon after Missy came I home I had the biggest Panic Attack I've ever had.  I honestly felt I was going to die, it was horrible.  Since then I've had a smaller panic attack and seem to have returned to that state of constant anxiety; heart pounding, unable to settle, lack of concentration, lack of self -esteem, digestive problems.  Sometimes it's hard to explain how I feel and all I can say is that I feel 'unsettled' and 'all a bit of a to-do'.   I'm not exactly sure what triggers it now because on the whole Missy's behaviour is fine and we can generally manage her and ourselves when she is in meltdown mode. It may be financial stress - I'm not earning but I'm not confident enough to return to my self-employment and I can't find a 9 to 5 job as Missy needs me here before and after school.  It may be loneliness perhaps - apart from the school run (which itself I hate), I don't see many friends each week - this is where Twitter and my adopter friends there have been a lifeline.  I am seeing some fellow adopters each week and really look forward to seeing them all - talking things through, sharing feelings and being supported is a huge step against anxiety.

I've had some good periods, particularly when I concentrate on doing meditation and mindfullness and my new found love for my vegetable plot is really helping.  I'm not a fan of anti-depressants but do find homeopathy and, currently, St Johns Wort are helping take the edge of things.  I really miss running which helped get back on track nine years ago and really need to get my back sorted before I can start again. I have started to go for long walks during the day which I'm really enjoying.  I've returned to healthier eating - too much sugar was bad for my system, plus I put on a stone in weight which in turn meant I couldn't fit into many clothes and my self-confidence took a dive.

Even whilst writing this blog, I can feel my anxiety levels rising.  So once I've finished I shall have a warm drink and then do some meditation before I hit my to-do list.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, 1 in 4 people suffer from chronic anxiety.  Chances are you probably won't even realise that one of your friends, family or colleagues are suffering.  But if you find out they are, please give them as much support as you can.  It's so important that mental health issues are taken very seriously and sufferers don't feel like they have to live with the stigma of a mental health disorder.

Playtime

When we were being matched with Missy, her SW explained that whilst her BM had lots of toys at home, many were not age appropriate and Missy was not really shown how to play with them.  Its thought that BM didn't play with her much at all.  Whilst with the FC, she certainly learnt how to play more, and play with other children but her desire for control made it difficult sometimes to play with her.  When she came home to us, we, as new parents, spent ages playing with her although again her need to control the game sometimes caused major tantrums.  What we also noticed was the she didn't seem to like playing by herself, immersing herself in the world of make-believe and playing with her toys.  Play is vital for development; it helps create happy, contented, balanced, connected children.  The skills they they learn through play are vital as they grow into adulthood. The building blocks of play are the building blocks of life.

Over time, Missy has developed an ability to play by herself.  There have been times when we've been gardening and I've looked through the lounge window to check on her and seen her playing tea parties with her toys, all the cups and plates and pretend food set out beautifully. Or she'll be playing with her dolls house or her little ponies.  She has made the choice about which toy to play with and how she is going to play. It makes me smile to see her playing like this.

However, in the last six weeks her play by herself has almost stopped. I don't know why, perhaps it's anxiety based but her anxiety has reduced considerably since the Celebration Hearing. She still plays but it will be because we've started the play and virtually led the play too.  She will rarely chose a toy for herself and if I suggest a few toys or things to do, the answer I get is usually a resounding 'NO'.  They say boredom is good for a child because it means they have to use their imaginations to entertain themselves, but boredom and Missy don't mix.

Missy likes to hang around us a lot. I get followed everywhere.  I know this is generally a good sign - it's the toddler in her - but boy is it tiring and I really want her to play. We had Daddy's sister and her partner here for three days and all Missy wanted to do was be next to her Auntie, despite much encouragement from me to play.  It's not that I don't want her to create a relationship with other family members but I'm mindful of the importance of play and it's role in her development.  I've tried to start her off with play and gently move to another area to do something else, occasionally  returning to join in but all too quickly she'll stop and be by my side.  I don't want to continually be creating the play because I want her to use her imagination.  I know she's got one because I've seen it in her artwork.

As part of the course Daddy and I are doing, our homework for the holidays is play-based.  For 10-20 minutes a day, we encourage Missy to play and join in but do not lead play or teach her anything new.  Whilst playing we encourage, give praise and essentially provide a running commentary, along the lines of  "So you've chosen a red brick", "Now you're giving teddy some cake", "I see you're rolling out the Play-Doh into a sausage" etc etc.  We don't ask lots of questions about what she is doing, but show interest via the commentary.   At first it felt quite odd, describing what she is doing all the time but I soon got the hang of it.  When we've been out and about - a long walk, a day out in London, visiting a museum -  I've also used the commentary technique.

The point of this exercise is not about showing her how to play, but aiming to build the relationship between us all and building her self-esteem.  But a side effect is that she is gradually returning to play, choosing her toys and playing by herself.

It's slow-going though and yesterday I was thoroughly exhausted initiating things to do, when I really just wanted to sit quietly in the sun by myself, reading my books with a cup of coffee, although I was quite proud of the tent I made with an old sheet and bamboo canes!   Eventually though, I admitted defeat and for some quiet I put CBeebies on for half an hour.  She's back to CBeebies now after a brief flirtation with CBBC.

We'll see how today pans out.

In other news, my vegetable patch is coming on nicely.




"Image courtesy of Akarakingdoms / FreeDigitalPhotos.net". 

Celebrations and Anxieties

Missy's anxiety levels have ramped up.

We've had the good news that the Final Hearing has taken place, that there were no objections from Birth Mum and that the Celebration Hearing would take place soon.  Missy's SW came round to talk to her about it with us and she seemed to take it in and understand the significance of it.  Her first reactions were of excitement and happy to be here forever with us.  She was delighted that we'd have to get her a new dress for the Celebration Day and even more excited that we would be going out for lunch afterwards.

Since then we've had the date for the Celebration Hearing and explained again to Missy what it means but she is getting very anxious about meeting the Judge.  'No' is the most used word in her vocabulary and she's regressed at times to a toddler.  The slightest thing will trigger her anger and anxiety, often it's food related.  The calm we had at the beginning of the year has temporarily disappeared.  It feels a bit like this time last year although we have a better idea of how to help her therapeutically this year.

More good news for us but another layer of anxiety for Missy is that Daddy has gone back to work.  Hurrah!!  He's got offered a job where the hours are perfect, unlike his last job.  This job is Monday to Friday, 8.30am to 5pm.  We get to have proper weekends together as a family now.  However, because he starts earlier it means he and Missy no longer have breakfast together and he no longer takes Missy to school.  This hasn't gone down well with Missy and several times last week, just before the two of us were due to leave for school, her frustration and upset boiled over with wails of "I want Daddy, I want Daddy, I want Daddy".  She's angry with him, which is a shame because after a period of being anti-Daddy last year she had calmed down and Daddy was her friend again.

We need to tighten those boundaries again, revisit what we did at Theraplay last year, do some more Ladybird relaxation and get our tin hats out to protect us from the physical and verbal ammunition coming our way from Missy.  I so want to hold my hand out to her, like you would a timid animal, but it often gets bitten off.  Daddy and I have to be strong for her at the moment but at times there is only so much abuse one can take, even from a 6 year old.  And if anyone else says "Oh but she'll be fine once the Celebration Hearing happens and she'll forget", I might just deck them, or at least invite them round here for the afternoon (actually no, Missy would be on compliant best behaviour).

Right, best get Missy from school and get the pancakes on.  That's one thing we will all be happy about tonight. Yum!

Food (not so) Glorious Food

A month or so after Missy came to us, her food anxiety reared its head.  Portion sizes, other people eating when she's not, obsession with sweet things and when her next meal is have all caused massive anxieties over the last year.  Generally her anxieties have lessened quite considerably which is great but the relationship between her and food is never going to be an easy one.

At a Christmas party with other adopted children, all the kids were served a plate full of party food that the parents had brought and had been shared equally among the children.  Of 20 or so children, 17 ate (apparently) happily, stopped when they were full, were more interested in the games but three, including Missy, stayed at the table until every single crumb had disappeared off their plates.  And then she had jelly and ice cream. And then she won a sweet in Pass the Parcel - as every other child had eaten theirs, I didn't feel it was fair to say no on this occasion.  

Throughout the day Missy will ask about the timing of the next meal or snack.  If we are going somewhere, she will want to know if we will be eating there.  She needs to know exactly what is going in her sandwich bag each day and watches over me whilst I prepare - I used to usher her out the kitchen but soon realised that this was something she needed to do.

We and the SWs can't be sure exactly where her food issues come from.  Unlike some children who go into care, she wasn't consistently deprived of food although we do know suspect that there were times when she went without or was fed at inappopriate times.  She tells me she was fed a lot of sweet stuff and we know that at contact her birth mother would bring a lot of sweet things and Missy would down the lot, probably to please BM.  So it's not the deprivation food that I think is ultimately Missy's issue and thus it was interesting to read this article this week about food issues.

I think Missy's associates food with love.  Being fed equals being loved.  She looks at food as comforter, a friend, an emotional link with her carer. There's also the link with shame.  I get it - I've put on a stone over the last 18 months through 'comfort eating'. Then I'll feel bad about my weight ..... and so eat more because I feel bad.  It's a circle that I can, if I put my mind to it, get out of.  But Missy can't do this, she needs our help to help her work through the deep rooted negative feelings she holds within.

The Leaf

After school Missy has a drink and a snack whilst watching some TV and quite often I sit nearby with a cuppa. Sometimes she's quiet and at other times she witters constantly. Last Monday she was wittering away about this and that - "actually mummy I don't like this juice anymore can I have milk when is Dr Ranj on again Tommy hurt himself at school and teacher put a plaster on whats for tea can I have a leaf to stop me thinking about old mummy Peter Rabbit is my favourite when is it on can I take a game to Grandma's".  Hang on! Rewind! What was that about a leaf?

Missy had seen something on TV about a lucky leaf; I'm guessing a four leaf clover but I've looked through the CBeebies listing for that day and couldn't find anything.  She decided a leaf would help her stop having dreams about birth mum and help her have happy thoughts. She would put it under her pillow and could also take it to school. And could I make it please? Well I'm not really known for my craft skills but nevertheless Missy chose some felt, drew the shape of leaf she wanted and I set about making a little stuffed leaf for her.

I'm quite proud of my resulting leaf and Missy has had it with her ever since, particularly under her pillow at night.  I'm hoping the leaf will help comfort for her in the next few weeks as I suspect anxiety levels will be raised prior to the Celebration Hearing.  We haven't got a confirmed date yet but the Final Hearing is imminent and the SW will confirm a date then.  Missy doesn't know about the Hearings yet and we and her SW will have a conversation with her next week.  How she will react we just don't know.  It may be that the Celebration Day tells her that we really are forever and her anxiety levels reduce, or it may increase her current worries about never seeing her birth mum again before she dies.  We've had lot of tears about this in the last few weeks and we're not really sure what is best to say.  We try to help her understand why she is here with us and not birth mum but any suggestions regarding dying would be most welcome.