This week I .......

The theme for this week's  Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO is  This week I ......

So, with that in mind, this week I ........... feel motivated!!

Woohoo!! First time in a few years that I feel like I do at the moment.

The reason?  Well, I've been thinking for a while about working.  Logistically I cannot do what I did just before we adopted, partly because it meant seeing clients in my house.  No, no, no.

I looked for quite a while for part time jobs, but nothing was forthcoming.  I looked for part time jobs in schools, so I could work term time only, but nothing.   I need to work part time because Missy's separation anxiety is such that me not being around til later in the day will do no good for family relations.  We still need to work lots on attachment and so I need to be around after school as much as I can.

So there I was, during the Easter holidays, generally surfing around the internet when I had a lightbulb moment. What I could do was so obvious - do what I used to do once but freelance. And for confidentiality reasons I'm not going to say what that is though, sorry.  If you're really interested you'll have to DM me  :-)

Since then I've done some research, I'm getting myself up to date with businessy/worky stuff, I've almost finished my website and have two possible clients.  I'm been using my brain cells and it feels good.  Doing it this way means being around for Missy, being able to mange my own time so if I need to #takecare then I can take time out and it means I can feel useful again, my confidence and my identity (which disappeared a while back) will start to grow again.

And the sun's out. Bonus!

In other news, Missy started play therapy.  We saw the same lady a few years ago and it helped somewhat so I'm hoping for a little movement in the positive direction this time.  I have a feeling it won't do much for Missy's stubbornness and need for control, but it's a start.  The therapist certainly does a good keeping Missy's control in check during the session.  I think the life story work will be the most useful.

We took Missy to her second gig to see ELO.  Absolutely brilliant.  Even though she fell asleep for 15 minutes half way through, I think she actually enjoyed it, particularly when Mr Blue Sky came on.  Daddy and I loved every single minute.

Smiling

The theme this week on The Adoption Social is smile. So on the way to school this morning I casually asked Missy what makes her smile. Missy told me she smiles a lot when:

- her best friend makes her laugh

- when Daddy tickles her

- when Mummy gives her a big hug

So I hugged her tightly and she beamed and she giggled.

We then walked the rest of the way into school singing:

When you're smilin', keep on smilin'

The whole world smiles with you

When you're laughin, keep on laughin'

The sun comes shinin' through.

The one and only Daddy

Missy's hand made card for Fathers' Day that brought a tear to my eye.



Dear Daddy,

I LOVE YOU so much because you are SPECIAL!!!

Daddy you are the best because you are the one and only Daddy I wanted in my life!!

Your Dearest Daughter

Reasons to be Cheerful (One, Two Three)

The theme on The Adoption Social for the latest Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO is 'Reasons To Be Cheerful'. Now, those of a certain age will remember a song that's been going round my head all morning - "Reasons To Be Cheerful, One,Two,Three" by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. So, here are my three reasons to be cheerful.

1.  I've been going out in the evenings a bit more in the last few months, whilst Daddy has joined a badminton club and is out once a week.  And Missy is fine about it!  Hurrah!  Slowly we are getting our social life back.  When I shut the front door behind me, Daddy and Missy usually shout "Paaaartyyy" which always makes me smile.  So it seems that Missy now knows that when we go out, we come back.  I can't tell you how liberating this is. We always go in and see her no matter the time and give the sleeping princess a kiss. Hurrah!

2.  I was at a talk recently by Helen Oakwater, adopter and author of Bubble Wrapped Children. She urged us to find "an industrial strength babysitter" because it is so important to have have a social life. For couples it is important to be able to do things together and not just rely on the other to babysit. So, with that in mind, I contacted a lady who a friend had actually recommended well over a year ago. The lady runs a babysitting and nannying service and we met her last week. Missy was very comfortable with her and in fact she is coming round again soon just to play with Missy, which is all part of the service as she believes it's so important that the child feels happy and safe with a babysitter. We're also pleased that it's the lady herself who is going to be our sitter rather than one of her employees. This means Daddy and I can now have more than one or two nights out a year! In fact we already have a date booked. Double Hurrah!

3.  Missy has calmed down and as we go head towards half term, we have noticed she is having less meltdowns than the first three weeks of the year, which made it seem as if we had gone back in time one whole year. Her confidence at school also plummeted in those weeks and she was very hyper vigilant. Really not sure why but I think it was something more than just beginning of term nerves.  However, the last week/ten days have seen an improvement at school, she is doing some great work, including maths which is never her strong point and she is calmer at home. Missy also made us very proud last week because, for the first time ever, she swam 25m, the length of the pool, all by herself and then proceeded to do it three times more.  So, currently her self esteem pot is looking pretty full which is good news for all.  Triple hurrah!

So these are my reasons to be cheerful. What are your reasons right now?

Preparation is key

I've just re-read some of my blog posts from our first few months with Missy. It wasn't a good time. What really strikes me is just how little prepared we were to deal with her trauma and how little we really understood about attachment.

As a prospective adopter we had a two day training, we had regular visits from our SW during home study and we had some brief reading to do.  We were given a file of photocopied articles  and a particular book by Margot Sunderland was recommended. But that was it.  It wasn't insisted by anyone that we read a whole load of books and I don't think we even got a reading list. We didn't meet any adopters other than a chap who came to talk on our 2 day course.  No wonder we were so naive in the early days.  What I've learnt about attachment, trauma and being an adoptive parent has been since Missy came home and has come from reading other adopters blogs, meeting up with other adopters,  chatting and getting advice on Twitter and FB, and reading loads including Dan Hughes, Louise Bomber, Holly van Gulden, Bryan Post and Sally Donovan. We also had some excellent training from PAC earlier this year.

I don't know what the stage 1 and 2 training consists of now (it wasn't known as stage 1 and 2 when we did it).  I only hope prospective adopters do have a greater understanding of attachment and trauma than we did before their children come home. Via Twitter I gather that some prospective adopters have a three line whip as far as their reading list is concerned, whilst others do not. Some are talking about attachment and regulation, others are not. One friend is attending a training on PACE which I think is brill.  Once again, processes seem to vary hugely among LAs or even SWs. Of course, things can look very different in practice from how it's described in a book, but one hopes at least adopters will be more prepared than we were.

If we'd understood more back in the early days I don't think we'd have started Missy at school until after Christmas, we would have done a lot more nurturing and done more to help regulate Missy (and me).  Hopefully we would have had a better insight to her behaviour. I cringe when I read about going to her Christmas school play, just five weeks after placement.

In other news, I am being very prepared for Christmas for once.  I've nearly finished the present buying and written most of the cards! I think I deserve a Baileys later.

Forever

The theme for this weeks #WASO is Forever so I asked Missy what forever meant. At first she didn't answer as she was in a contrary mood. However the next time I asked her her answer was a very loud "I'm going to live here forever, yeahhhhh!!".

I'm guessing her SW used the word forever quite a bit, referring to a forever family, because it was it was certainly part of her vocabulary when she came to us.  When she first started playing hairdressers and doing my hair on a daily basis, she'd pretend I was also a customer coming for a sleepover.  "Are you staying forever?" she'd ask. Or she (the pretend hairdresser) might be going on holiday and coming to stay with me. "Can I stay forever?" she'd ask.

We still play hairdressers but she no longer asks her customers if they are staying forever, or asks if she can stay with them forever.  Perhaps this is a sign it's sunk in that we really are her forever family.

Music - 80s v Classical

The week's theme on #WASO is music.  I love having music on in the house.  It's mostly 70s/80s which I love.  Heaven 17, Come Live with Me, is currently playing - loooove that song.

My brother is 8 years older than me so there was always the latest music playing when I was little.  He even let me play his singles when he went out!  I used to stand on his bedroom chair and dance to everything from Kung Fu Fighting to Turning Japanese (and no, I had no clue what the lyrics were about back then!).  My favourite tune to dance to was Born To Be Live by Patrick Hernandez and I still often put it on You Tube now and dance and sing along because it is soooo feel good.

 
Back in the 1980s I was a huge Duran Duran fan. Ah, those were the days.  I used to spend hours making up scrap books and relishing any mention of DD on the radio, TV or in a magazine. Not like now, when I can choose to listen to them any time, any day what with the internet.  I went to a DD concert once and was right down the front. In fact I think John Taylor kicked the teddy I threw on stage.  Screeeeam!  Oh I could write forever about the 80s music scene. I have endless memories (as opposed to Careless Memories - see what I did there?) about late 70s/early 80s songs that form the soundtrack of my life.  When I was at school in the sixth form, myself and two friends represented the school on Mike Read's Pop of the Form on Radio 1 - unfortunately we were pipped at the post by a school from Devon.  Boo.

Missy's love for music is growing. We've given her a small portable CD player for her bedroom and, like many girls, she loves One Direction.  She is obsessed with Katy Perry and Roar and when we play hairdressers (daily) then Katy Perry aka Missy is the hairdresser!  So, as I was so proud of her at the hospital this week, I bought her the latest Katy Perry album.  I've also given her a few of my more calmer CDs that I used when I was working.

However, thanks to Missy, a new style of music often fills the house.  Classical.  Now, I do like some classical, although I'm no expert and probably couldn't tell you the performer and it's definitely not my first choice, or even second choice.  But one day Missy decided to turn the TV off and turn over to the radio (which plays through the TV).  Somehow she found BBC Radio 3 and that will be her first choice of channel when she wants to listen to music whilst we are playing or doing some craft.  And, you know what, it's growing on me.  Some of it is very uplifting and some of it is beautifully calming, the latter being very good for Missy.  

Whilst she now also knows the channel number for Absolute 80s, Radio 3, and also now Classic FM, is her first choice.  And in fact if it's within an hour of her bedtime I will tend to turn onto classical music if it's not on already to subconsciously help calm her down.

There does come a point when I've overdosed on classical music and back to the 80s we go, but I have to say I'm very grateful to Missy for introducing me to the classical stations.

Any suggestions for some calming classical music to listen to? What music do you and your children like?

Recipes and why they are important to us

This post links up with #WASO on The Adoption Social where the theme is 'Recipes and why the are important to us'.

I love cooking.  I always have done since I was little.  Whilst friends were reading Secret Seven, I'd be poring through cookery books, making up menus for when I was older and had dinner parties.  The Readers Digest Cookery Year was my bible.  Those cookery books are part of me and I've recently found a few on ebay.  I've still got my recipe book from when I did Cookery O'level.  Reading all the old books brings back great memories.

I find cooking very relaxing, whether it's doing it or watching it. I'm in the moment, concentrating on something I love to do, I find it quite mindful.  I'd love to go on Bake Off!  Meanwhile, I reckon Daddy should apply for Masterchef.  He's great at savoury, particularly Indian or South-East Asian, whilst I major in cakes! Although, I have to say his Vanilla Baked Cheesecake is to die for.

So, it's no surprise that cooking features quite a lot in our household.  Missy loves joining in.  In fact, during introductions, when Missy spent a day at ours, we made Apple Muffins that went down a treat.  She joins in with Daddy when he's making bread or cheesecake and loves helping me to bake.  I let her do as much as she can, helping occasionally where the mixture needs a better mixing or putting things in the oven. Now her reading has improved significantly, she can start to read the recipe too. If she's in a negative mood then cooking will cheer up.  I also see cooking as a positive way to help her with her food anxiety and she now has a better sense of what is healthy and what's not so healthy.

I asked her on the way to school what are her favourite things to cook.  She said Brownies and Pizza!.  We do homemade pizzas using pitta bread for the base, a mix of tomato puree and red pesto to spread over and then a choice of chopped red onion, peppers, tomatoes, bacon, goats cheese and cheddar to sprinkle over the top.  Five or so minutes in the oven and they're ready to eat.  I introduced this activity quite early on as it's a good family activity to do together.

The Brownies are a Polly Noble recipe that are dairy free and use raw cacao powder which you can find in health food shops or buy online.  Warning, they are VERY chocolatey!

Every now and then I like to cook by myself so will make something whilst Missy is at school, although I do usually leave the decoration for when Missy comes home.  Yesterday I made Parsnip & Pumpkin Seed Cake as I had a glut of parsnips to use up.  I've used beetroot and carrots before so figured parsnips would have a similar result.  The recipe actually uses walnuts but I didn't have any so used pumpkin seeds instead and I think they make a lovely addition.  Of course, without Missy around, it means I get to indulge in licking the bowl (and I have to admit to leaving a little extra mixture in the bowl!).

Here's the recipe:-
2 eggs
2 large parsnips, peeled and grated (once grated you need to end up with about 250g of grated parsnip)
125ml vegetable oil
200g caster sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
Zest of one unwaxed lemon
375g self-raising flour
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt (pref sea salt)
50g pumpkin seeds
50-75ml milk (any kind, cows, rice, almond etc)

1. Preheat oven to Gas Mark 4, 180C
2. Grease and line an 8"/20cm cake tin.
3. Whisk eggs in a large bowl.
4. Add in oil, sugar, grated parsnips, vanilla extract and lemon zest and stir well together.
5. Sieve together flour, cinnamon and salt and stir into the parsnip mixture along with the pumpkin seeds.
The mixture should be a soft dropping consistency but if its too thick, add 50-75ml of milk.
6. Pour into prepared tin and cook for 60-75 minutes until well risen, golden and a knife inserted into the cake comes out clean.  Leave to cool slightly in tin before turning out onto a wire rack.

For the topping, I used 200g of mascarpone cheese mixed with a tablespoon of icing sugar but you could also use cream cheese mixed with some lemon zest, or icing sugar mixed with water or milk to a smooth consistency, or just dust it with icing sugar.  I think it might also be nice made in two sandwich tins and then sandwiched together using the mascarpone or perhaps lemon curd.

I could waffle on for ages about cooking, in fact maybe I should have written a cooking blog!

Cooking will definitely feature during the forthcoming Easter Holidays, perhaps some Easter Biscuits or a Simnel Cake.  I've also read about some local cookery classes for young children which I'm quite sure Missy would love to do.

Right, I'm off to buy the ingredients for tonight's pizzas.

Celebrations and Anxieties

Missy's anxiety levels have ramped up.

We've had the good news that the Final Hearing has taken place, that there were no objections from Birth Mum and that the Celebration Hearing would take place soon.  Missy's SW came round to talk to her about it with us and she seemed to take it in and understand the significance of it.  Her first reactions were of excitement and happy to be here forever with us.  She was delighted that we'd have to get her a new dress for the Celebration Day and even more excited that we would be going out for lunch afterwards.

Since then we've had the date for the Celebration Hearing and explained again to Missy what it means but she is getting very anxious about meeting the Judge.  'No' is the most used word in her vocabulary and she's regressed at times to a toddler.  The slightest thing will trigger her anger and anxiety, often it's food related.  The calm we had at the beginning of the year has temporarily disappeared.  It feels a bit like this time last year although we have a better idea of how to help her therapeutically this year.

More good news for us but another layer of anxiety for Missy is that Daddy has gone back to work.  Hurrah!!  He's got offered a job where the hours are perfect, unlike his last job.  This job is Monday to Friday, 8.30am to 5pm.  We get to have proper weekends together as a family now.  However, because he starts earlier it means he and Missy no longer have breakfast together and he no longer takes Missy to school.  This hasn't gone down well with Missy and several times last week, just before the two of us were due to leave for school, her frustration and upset boiled over with wails of "I want Daddy, I want Daddy, I want Daddy".  She's angry with him, which is a shame because after a period of being anti-Daddy last year she had calmed down and Daddy was her friend again.

We need to tighten those boundaries again, revisit what we did at Theraplay last year, do some more Ladybird relaxation and get our tin hats out to protect us from the physical and verbal ammunition coming our way from Missy.  I so want to hold my hand out to her, like you would a timid animal, but it often gets bitten off.  Daddy and I have to be strong for her at the moment but at times there is only so much abuse one can take, even from a 6 year old.  And if anyone else says "Oh but she'll be fine once the Celebration Hearing happens and she'll forget", I might just deck them, or at least invite them round here for the afternoon (actually no, Missy would be on compliant best behaviour).

Right, best get Missy from school and get the pancakes on.  That's one thing we will all be happy about tonight. Yum!

Achieving in Artwork #2

As Missy's interests expand - she's made a leap forward in reading over the last month and loves reading her books to us - one pastime continues to be her favourite and that is artwork. If she isn't drawing, she's making something.

Often she will see something that I'm going to recycle; perhaps a cardboard box, a cardboard insert from a package, a ribbon or maybe a toilet roll, and instantly see a shape in it. But drawing and painting is still her favourite. Yesterday she drew around a shell to make leaves, cut them all out and stuck them onto a tree trunk she had made. She's going to cut out pics of our family and stick them on her leaves to make her family tree. All her own idea.

I recently found some artists watercolour paper in the loft that I bought years and years ago so I let her have a few pieces. She loved seeing how the watercolours worked on the paper and painted some lovely rainbows. However, one painting really stood out for me. It's a girl standing next to a bonfire on fireworks night. I asked why she was all in black. "Because it's night time and you can only just see her." She didn't know the word silhouette but that's what she meant to draw. Genius in my opinion. For a 6 year old I think that shows some depth.

This post links up with the Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO where this week's theme is 'The work of our child/children'.

The Magic

Who wants to join me in a piece of Magic?

The Magic is starting next Monday in our house.  No, I'm not talking white rabbits, card tricks or Dynamo. I'm talking about the book called The Magic.  I guess it's best described as a self-help book, part of The Secret series of books.  It's a doing book as over 28 days the reader has different practices to do each day with the intention of opening their eyes to the magic out there.  In addition to different exercises each day, I have to write down 10 things for which I'm grateful, 10 different things each day.  Just doing that exercise alone really makes you think about your life and everything good about it.  The first time I did it, I was surprised at how much there was in my life to be grateful about, from big things like having a roof over my head to little things like a comfy pillow on which to rest my head at night.  You don't have just have to be grateful for things in the present, you can also look back throughout your life.  There were days I struggled and its days like these where you really have to be creative and look around you and your life.

Doing The Magic is all part of my New Year shift to being more positive and by doing so I hopefully bring more positive energies to the house.  It's all part of the Law of Attraction which I subscribe to (though admittedly haven't always followed in the past).  There is a big global movement that believes being more grateful brings more abundance.

When I first did The Magic, it was two years ago and I don't think we'd even started home study.  That month several really good things happened to me including being nominated for a national business award. Anyway, at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna (google if you don't know what I mean), give it a try for yourself.  That's why I've talked about The Magic today, ahead of next week when I start, to give you time to get the book for yourself over the weekend and start with me next Monday. Oh, and you'll need a notebook and pen.

I'm also taking part in #100HappyDays, the idea being you take a picture each day for 100 days about something that's made you happy and brought a smile to your face. You can share them on social media or just do it for yourself, whatever you want.  My first one was jam tart making and yesterday was a bar of chocolate - I suspect food will feature a lot in our photos.  Some will have Missy in and those ones I obviously won't put on Twitter but do keep an eye out for my other photos (@AdoptingSezz) and let me know if you are also taking part.

In other news, we have a Final Hearing date in February.  Hurrah!