Back to school

This week our little Angel went to her new school for the first time.  We are so happy to have got her into our second choice school and as it turns out I think it will work better than the school we had as first choice. It was a bit last minute though as the school only got official confirmation from the LA last week which gave us two days to sort uniform, fill out forms and allow Missy a few days to get used to the idea of going to school.

Missy had previously been to nursery and spent a few weeks in Reception class where she used to live with foster carers and, having spoken with the Head and KS1 teacher there, we knew she liked school and had been doing really well.  She was very much looking forward to going to school and  I think she was actually getting a bit bored staying in all day, which she had done for four weeks.

First day was absolutely fine, no tears at all. Her teacher is very happy with her and she loves doing her homework (until the novelty wears off!).  She's certainly a quick learner.  We explained to the teacher that she is very controlling in play and likes to lead play so it will be interesting to find out how well she shares the activities.  She knows about sharing at home but did have a few tears this week when she declared she didn't like taking turns.

This week is just part time to ease her in and continue the attachment building at home. Unfortunately Daddy has gone back to work this week but his hours means he can always have breakfast with us and take her school which is fab.  So far he's been getting home just in time for bedtime story.

I thought her behaviour might change but so far so good (ok, I know it's only been a few days).  She has picked up a new phrase though - "cool dude". LOL.

We have the second contact meeting with the foster carer today.  The family finder social worker is very keen that this goes ahead but, as last week, Missy had an accident, a sure sign of her anxiety.  Last night she wet the bed for the first time so I've been busy cleaning this morning.  We'll see how she is later this afternoon and tomorrow but if she shows signs of anxiety again then I will strongly resist further contact.  Anxiety changes physiology with stress hormones coursing around the body and that is not good for any one.

In other news, we made salmon fishcakes last night which were delicious but how come Angel was much messier than the little children on I Can Cook on Cbeebies?  :-)

Meeting Grandma for first time

Today Missy met my Mum for the first time and it all went really well.  Missy was good as gold and definitely showed a positive awareness of people she doesn't know which is good.  Saying that, she was happy to include Grandma in things like pretend cups of tea and cake.

The day began with Daddy letting me have a lie in :-) before they went to play football in the local park whilst I sorted a few things out for Grandma's visit.  Usually I see my Mum once a week or so but haven't seen her for several weeks since beginning of Introductions so it was extra lovely to see her today.  Grandma was fantastic and very positive towards Missy.  Actually I knew she would be brilliant at being a Grandma to someone who doesn't come from her flesh and blood since she her first experience of being a Grandma was to my brother's step-children before he had a birth child, and a fine job she has done.  One thing that was hard was not allowing Mum to give cuddles or sit next to her grandchild at lunch.  It's all part of the 'funnelling' that we need to do, all part of the attachment building so that Missy continues to learn who are her primary caregivers.  Of course, in time, Grandma can do all the usual things a Grandma does.

As it's Remembrance Sunday, we had the TV on to watch the events from the Cenotaph. I had explained to Missy yesterday about being as quiet as a mouse at 11am and reminded her again this morning. She didn't think she could do it but at 11am when the cannon sounded and Big Ben struck, she was absolutely brilliant and we didn't hear a peep. She probably still doesn't understand why she had to be quiet, nevertheless I'm so proud of her and straight after she continued to serve tea, cake and lemon coffee.

Missy has been using the word Daddy far far more this weekend which is great, rather than using his first name.  I think they've bonded over bath time, running and rough & tumble, all of which she loves to do.  Daddy played with Missy a huge amount yesterday which gave me a welcome break after my tears on Friday.

In other news, it was outrageous that Kimberely was in the bottom two on Strictly and that Rylan is still in XFactor.

A few tears

A few tears were shed yesterday.  Not just from Missy but from me as well.

Missy was full on yesterday and wanted to play with me all the time.  For the most part I obliged and Daddy joined in too as I'd hate to look back on this time and regret not playing with my beautiful daughter.  Her behaviour was great all day, just a couple of mini-strops over things that I can't even remember now. But by the time 6.30pm came I was done in.

I needed some time out and tried my best to watch Strictly It Takes Two during which Daddy took Missy up for her bath.  Ahhhh, some (relatively) quiet time to myself for 10 minutes.  Daddy is great with Missy at bathtime but seems to get as wet as she does!  It was my turn to read the story but I was so tired that I just sat on her bed whilst Daddy read the book (same book third night running), which he does very well.

Downstairs, after she settled down, I burst into tears.  Just overwhelmed.  And having woken up at 5am for the last two weeks, I was just knackered.

We had the weekly visit from the social workers yesterday too which seemed to go well.  Missy demonstrated that she is settling in well and building attachment.  Unfortunately the family finding social worker still wants us to have contact with the foster carer, with a meeting arranged next week.  If Missy is unsettled by this one as she was the last time, we will put our foot down.  It's going to be hard enough for her with starting school next week and no doubt her anxiety levels will be higher than usual so to have a foster carer meet up is going to add to the anxiety mix.

So far today Daddy has been playing with Missy whilst I've done some chores and caught up with a few things.  I definitely feel a bit calmer.  Although I'm not sure it's right that I'm looking forward to doing some ironing.

Time flies

Two weeks passed already, wow time flies when you have a child.

We've done lots since the last blog post.  Missy isn't starting until school next week (got our second choice school but quite happy with it)  so we've had more time to bond and build attachment.

Last weekend we met up with the foster carers which always happens a week into adoption placements.  Whilst we can't deny the foster carer did a great job, we felt she was far too huggy on placement day which the social workers also recognised.  She was advised to be a little less tactile on our contact day and it was only supposed to be her and her husband.  Unfortunately she also brought her own boys along and was again too tactile in my opinion.  Little wonder then that the next day, last Sunday, Missy showed signs of anxiety and wet herself three times in one day.

One lovely thing that happened on Sunday though was that Missy wanted to go 'jogging' with Daddy who has started running again.  It was absolutely pouring it down with rain so we asked several times but she was still keen.  We dressed her up in her jogging bottoms, trainers, warm clothes and rain jacket plus Daddy's bright running hat and off they went!  I thought they'd be back within a minute, assuming she'd hate the rain but, no, ten minutes later returned.  Apparently she was brilliant and jogged all the way and back for half a mile!!  So proud of her.  We all went out yesterday and she beat me back (I was pooped!)

On the whole she has been wonderful.  But we have had some strops and some tears, mostly when we aren't giving her the attention she wants. She is very demanding when it comes to attention and at times it's quite wearing. Daddy and I play a lot with her together but sometimes we let the other one take a breather - although I have noticed that Daddy is doing a lot of cleaning :-)

We haven't had any major tantrums though which is great and we are finding that fine line between giving her the attention she deserves and missed out on when she was with birth mum, and giving her attention just because she has demanded it.  She has great manners for the most part and we have taught her to say excuse me if she wants one us whilst we are talking to each other.  She is also getting much better when asking for things, rather than just saying "I want juice", she will now sweetly say "can I have some juice please".

So far so good.

Two hours in the park

Two hours in the park is enough to wipe out a 5 year old.  Not that I'm cheering that we've got an extra half an hour to ourselves or anything, of course not ;-)

We had lunch in a local cafe earlier, to which I shall definitely return.  I'd always thought it was a greasy spoon type of cafe but there wasn't an egg and chips in sight. In fact it was quite posh. Very nice.  Whilst here I learnt another thing I need to carry round with me - coloured pencils.  I've added this to the list of wet wipes and tissues so far that I constantly need on me.  Anything else?

We allowed Missy a glass of lemonade as it was proper real lemon-ade, not the crappy stuff.  Fizzy drinks are going to be an occasional treat and cola is a complete no-no in this house.   An hour later in the park, Missy had her first little accident of the wet variety and we think it was possibly down to the fizz.

After the playground, we walked around the park meeting several dogs on the way.  I've always been a bit nervous of dogs, but I don't want Missy to be scared so did my best to stand still and not run away, even when the puppy rottweiler came over to play (which incidentally will grow to 9 stone!).  Daddy swung Missy around and around which she absolutely loved.  When Missy finds something really funny, she has the most gorgeous smile and infectious laugh.

By the time we'd got home we'd been out for three hours - one hour lunch and and two hours in the park.  After making a fabulous piece of artwork with real leaves, all Missy's own work, and the obligatory visit to the pretend hairdressers, it was time for dinner.

So far Missy has been excellent at dinner time.  I did have a food strategy in place, expecting a fussy eater to be living with us, but I've not needed to call up on it as she eats everything and happy to try new foods (or indeed foods she said she didn't like but actually turned out she does like).  But tonight she decided she didn't like mince, until we pointed out it was the same mince as in meatballs, burgers and lasagne that she has eaten.  She did start to eat it but was very whiny.  The park had wiped her out and she was too tired to eat.  We explained that food to a person is like the batteries we had just put in her toy ie, energy to make things work, and that helped her understand she needed to eat a bit, although we did compromise a lot tonight (Daddy is going to have to watch his waistline methinks, since he eats all the leftovers).  Quiet time on the sofa after tea was very sleepy time so we took her up early.

Today she has been calling us by our first names a little more than the last few days, and started doing this after we explained we were meeting up with the foster carers tomorrow for a drink.  Not sure if the two are related but I do think it's confused her a little.  We must reinforce tomorrow that all three of us are coming back here and we are not leaving her with the foster carer.

Would it be bad of mummy to eat the chocolate in the fridge we bought for Missy but she was too tired to eat, as long as I replace it tomorrow?  :-)

A week has flown by

Missy has been with us for 7 days now, though it feels like 7 weeks!    This is the first chance I've had to blog because 6.30am - 7.45pm is Missy time and after that I am, frankly, knackered.

However, we've now established a little routine and I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed by it all, so I'm taking the chance to have a cheeky drink and 10 mins on the PC.

The last week has been full on.  We've played lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots.  We've been to the park a few times, we've walked round to the local shops.  We managed the local big shop as Missy desperately needed some warm winter clothes and we even braved Ikea (yes in half term!) so we could buy Missy her own table and chair on which to do her colouring in the back room.  The dining room carpet and table was in danger after a few days as Missy is a profuse artist.  At Ikea, lunchtime meatballs passed without incident as did the toilet stop. On the way back we stopped to feed some ducks at a local pond.

Missy has had someone to play with for the whole time she has been awake, either mummy or daddy or both of us, as this will help with settling in and attachment.  Now, I'm no expert, but I'd say Missy has settled in pretty well so far.  She's been completely dry which is a pleasant surprise as she had lots of accidents at the foster carers.  We've only had two mini-tantrums that were over in minutes.  We have had quite a few strops though; she doesn't like the word 'no' (what child does?) and she can be extremely controlling in play.  Everything needs to be her idea and if we pick up a toy whilst she is playing with something else, then she will immediately want what we have.  It's exhausting. She has previously been very used to having her own way.  But I also find it really interesting watching the cogs in her mind tick over and often go into overdrive.  She has a very vivid imagination, which sometimes needs to be reigned in and I do wonder if she is trying to tell us something through her play or whether it's just stuff she's picked  up (from real life or tv) or it's just her imagination going into top gear. She also bends the truth somewhat. We need to make sure she understands we are here to keep her safe and secure and we reinforce this message a lot.  We need to help her control her own emotions as children and particularly adopted children can't manage this themselves.

Missy is calling me mummy more and more although still does call me by my first name.  Daddy is called daddy, although a little less than I am called mummy.  We think it's because she's never had a daddy and probably doesn't really understand what a daddy does.  In fact I asked her this morning when she was getting dressed if she knew what a daddy does and she said she didn't know.  So I said he does the same things as mummy ie, look after her, keep her safe and secure and loved forever.   But mummy is who she often calls for more but then I think a lot of children do that, adopted or not, and actually after one week I'm really pleased she feels able to do that.

On the whole Missy has been a delight, very funny and has the most gorgeous smile and laugh.  In fact, demanding as she is, her behaviour has been much easier than we had expected.  OK, it has only been a week and there are plenty of boundaries to push ahead of us but we're pretty pleased with how it's going so far.  She eats well, will try all new foods put in front of her, sleeps like a log and is learning quickly. Playtime with daddy alone will usually ensure some raucous laughter - this evening she was beside herself because of a game she and daddy were playing.  She loves her rough and tumble.

Missy had declared she'd like to go to football, ballet and elastics (she means gymnastics).  We'll look into this in the New Year as although she'll be at school soon (more on this in another blog) we want her at home the rest of the day to continue the bonding and attachment.  However, I really can't see her as a ballet dancer, more of a street dancer!  Football would be good though. Daddy reckons a kung-fu fighter!

In the meantime, we will continue as we are doing and see how week 2 goes.

Back to that cheeky drink.

The hurricane has landed.

So yesterday was the first day of the rest of our lives together as a family.  Gulp!

We picked up Missy (she will hereafter be known as this on this blog) at 9.30am.  The idea is that the social workers get there a few minutes before us to make sure all ready to go and the foster carers are supposed to have said their goodbyes, so all we need to do is put all Missy's stuff in the car and her, collect paperwork and off we go.  Missy was excited to see us and all set to go.  Unfortunately the foster carer got tearful and opened the car door when Missy was in her car seat, and hugged and kissed her and said "Miss You" etc.  Not the way to do it and it upset Missy who within 10 seconds of us driving away said she wanted to live with the foster carer.  Oh dear.

The journey home was very subdued with minimal chatter and on arrival at home she still had tears so we left the unpacking and the three of us went into the lounge for a family hug, explaining that as her new mummy and daddy we were going to keep her safe and secure from now on and that we had so much to look forward to, all three of us together.  We kept stressing the togetherness and thankfully Missy soon cheered up.

The rest of day was mostly spent playing with lots of giggles from a game she was playing with Daddy although we had two of three times when she said she missed the foster carer.  It's understandable as she spent so long there and they did look after her very well, but it is hard to hear.  I'll be honest and say that a teeny tiny "oh god what have we done" thought went through my head.  That said, the day on the whole was good.  We received a lovely bouquet of flowers from one friend, another popped round with a card and I got a lovely message on FB from another, plus a very helpful text from another friend when I didnt have a clue what to do.

Dinner passed by with no issues and then it was on to bath and bed. I was dreading this time as it was a first for all of us.  But amazingly it all passed by beautifully.  Daddy and I both played at bathtime and Daddy sat on the bed whilst I read the bedtime story.  In five minutes she was out like a light and stayed that way until 7am this morning apart from a brief trip to the loo in the night.  Perfect!

This morning we had cuddles, we had breakfast, we had a wash and got dressed and still all good.  Missy didn't come with many winter clothes though and today was much cooler than of late so we definitely need to take a trip out very soon.

The walk to the park was cut short though as it was so flippin cold.  We did manage to finish our picnic though. So British.

The main issue with Missy is that she is controlling and wants to lead play the whole time.  It's exhausting, I'll admit, but we are very gradually helping her to understand and learn that she doesn't have to be in control the whole time. I'm guessing that in her early life she also did the looking after.  On a few occasions she's wanted to help me do things around the house but I've said "no, that's for mummys to do".  We've said no a few times when we don't agree with what she's doing and once or twice it's ended in brief tears but we've soon moved on. She also needs a huge amount of reassurance.  I guess she got very little at her birth home.  So we played the "round of applause" game at tea which started with me saying we should give Daddy a round of applause for making a fab tea and then led to all of us thinking of lots more 'rounds of applauses" for each of us, with of course lots for Missy.  She loved this game.

Talking of reassurance, the cats are needing lots too.  They're not too impressed at the moment but are gradually getting a little braver.  Poor things, they've had such a quiet life up til now.

So, it's the end of Day 2 and I think we're all beginning to feel a little better about things.  Missy went to bed perfectly (in fact earlier than we said she would have to, it being a Saturday night) and Daddy and I are just looking back on the day.  Daddy just told me that Missy put her arms around his neck this morning and said "Daddy I love you".  Awwwww. Bless.