Birthday Party

Missy recently attended her first birthday party (well, that we know of).  I was looking forward to it too as it meant 2 hours off from Missy's attention-seeking, and 2 more hours where I could get to know some more of the mums from school.

The theme was Princess, Pirate and Super Heroes and needless to say Missy went as a Princess.  Luckily we had all the necessary gear so I didn't have to spend out on more fancy dress.

I was a little apprehensive as to how Missy would cope with food time and also wondered how she would be generally.  Would she be unhappy I was staying at the party, would she growl at me if I spoke to her, would she play nicely with the other party-goers?

As it happens, the party went swimmingly as far as I was concerned.   Missy was really looking forward to it and, if she had her way, we would have been at the party house at midday rather than 3pm.  Once there, Missy was happy to join in straight away with dancing and playing and seemed to fit in really well.  She didn't mind when I suggested she take her princess shoes off and happily let me re-arrange her crown.  Unlike the school disco, she seemed relaxed although didn't take a great deal of notice of the kids entertainer when she tried to explain about the games.   During musical bumps, Missy was second to be out and the mums loved the way the entertainer picked the last one standing and said "well done, come and sit here" without making them feel like they'd lost.

I got to speak with a few more mums which was good and I now feel more comfortable about speaking to them at the school gate.  I did try to make an effort with a mum of one of Missy's best friends and suggested a playdate but she wasn't very forthcoming.  With my positive hat on, I just moved on.

When food time came, there was the usual unhealthy party good laid out.  Missy actually loves fruit and veg, and things like hummus and rye bread, so I wondered to Daddy later what her friends would think if they came here for a party and found loads of healthy snacks. Haha.  Missy was brilliant with her food - she let me help her put food on her plate, she declined some more food when it was offered round, but took a sausage roll and then looked at me with a smile that said "is this ok?".  I smiled back.  She sat beautifully whilst eating and closed her mouth whilst chewing - lord, I cannot bear people, adults or children, who chew with mouth open or talk with mouth full. I was really pleased with how food time went.

Two hours came and went.  Another two inches of snow had fallen.  Another step in the right direction for us.   There was a tantrum at home later but I'll put that down to tiredness and over-excitement.

In other news, I've given up coffee and re-visiting my large stock of herbal teas (does tea ever go out of date?).

Being positive

I've been quite negative lately, in my thoughts and feelings.  It's all part of post-adoption depression.

However, after a session of EFT recently I'm beginning to feel a bit brighter.  EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique and involves tapping on specific points on meridians around the body, the same points as used for thousands of years in acupuncture.  As you tap, you think of your problem and use positive affirmations and this all helps clear the energy blockage in the meridians.   I did have an almighty healing crisis the next day though (complementary therapies can help the body get rid of toxins but it's a sign the body is healing itself) and was violently sick (both ends).  Since then I've felt much calmer.   I still have negative thoughts but am helping myself to have more positive thoughts and am doing tapping most days.

I'm a fan of the Law of Attraction  which says that 'like attracts like'.  So if you think negative or positive thoughts, you'll get negative or positive results.  If you are constantly programming your brain with negativity - I'm a bad mummy, no-one talks to me at the school gate, Missy is always angry, I can't cook etc - then the brain will do just as you have programmed it too.  The book I'm reading at the moment is "What to say when you talk to yourself".

It's hard work being positive all the time as negative thoughts invariably creep in, they sense that tiny opening in the mind not filled by a positive thought and, whoosh!, in they go.  Damn, didn't catch that one in time.  Oh, there you go, you see, I've just said it's hard work being positive therefore it will be hard work. Doh.   Essentially the book talks about behaviour, feelings, attitude and beliefs.  It's no good just thinking "I'm a great mum" when your deep held belief is that you're not.  It's like have a little monster on your shoulder that quietly and annoyingly says "no you're not, no you're not" when you positively affirm that you're a "good mummy".   Behaviour depends on your feelings towards something, which in turn depends on your attitude, which in turn depends on your core beliefs.  So that's what I'm going to do, work on my core beliefs.  I'll keep you posted.  I think chocolate may help me though ("which means you'll get fat", says the little monster - damn who let that negative thought in!)

Talking of being positive, we had a Theraplay 6 week review yesterday with the therapist and the family finding social worker.  We updated them on Missy's behaviours and they both seemed really happy with where we are all at right now compared to several months ago, even if me and Daddy can't quite see it.  Later in the afternoon, our own social worker came to to see us as she has not met Missy before.  She'd heard a lot about her and was also very positive.  Luckily we have great social workers and I feel heartened to hear they feel things are going well.  Perhaps, as I said to them, it's because we are so close that we can't always see the difference, but as they only see Missy once a month, they can more clearly see the positives.   Don't get me wrong, it's certainly not all sunshine and roses around here now, there are many issues for which we have only scratched the surface and some issues which are still hidden and may not surface for years, but for now I will focus on the positives.

In other news, Missy has her first birthday party to attend tomorrow.  I'm really looking forward to it.

Mothers' Day

So yesterday was my first Mothers Day.  A day I wondered if I would ever celebrate.

I wondered how Missy would feel.  Would she play up, would she miss her birth mother, would she be delightful?

I thought I'd be gushing with emotion on my first Mothers Day.  But I wasn't.  To be honest, I wasn't sure how I'd feel or was supposed to feel.  I felt a bit underwhelmed by my feelings.  But I feel this is far more down to the hype of Mothers Day, much like Valentines Day, from the card companies and the supermarkets.

I actually had a lovely day in practice.  I had breakfast in bed and Missy gave me a card she had made earlier in the week.  I received a gorgeous top from Missy and some beautiful yellow roses.  Daddy made the most scrumptious lunch (pork loin with marmalade and roasted veg - he really is a good cook) and whilst he was cooking, Missy dressed up as a princess rock star and put on a short show, with some awesome guitar moves.  I was instructed to sit down by Missy and rest (although I did put some washing on)  and we played a couple of games.  I spoke to my lovely mum on the phone (who I took out to breakfast today).  All in all a very relaxing day.  I can't even remember if Missy had a tantrum.

I have to admit we didn't talk about birth mum with Missy.  She didn't mention birth mum at all. If she had, we would certainly have talked. I'm sure in years to come we will.

Yesterday was about me and Missy.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But I've waited so long to receive that homemade card.  And I've had a crappy three or four weeks and I just wanted to enjoy yesterday. Now that I've got past my first Mothers Day, I can relax and not worry about how I should feel.

Cleaning is fun

First of all, thank you to my blog readers who have expressed concern for my wellbeing and emailed me to check I am ok.  It means a lot that you care.  Thank you.  I am feeling a bit brighter.  I'm going to write a couple of positive posts then I'll udpate on last week.

So, regarding the cleaning as mentioned in the title of this post.  "Cleaning is fun" is what Missy declared today.

After a trip round the larger supermarket where she is always well behaved, I explained I had a few jobs to do before lunch.  Missy decided she would help me by cleaning the bathroom.  With no prompt or help from me, she started cleaning the bath, sink, taps, shelf and walls with the sponge.  Bless.  She used our aloe liquid soap so no probs with her touching cleaning products.  I wondered whether I should be worried about her cleaning - I hope it wasn't something she had to do in her birth home - but watching her I realised she was enjoying it and genuinely wanted to be like mummy and copy what I was doing.  She actually did a good job (although I suspect one might have a soapy bottom after sitting on the loo seat - I've used downstairs loo since so I don't know yet). Copying, apparently, is a sign that attachment is growing.

She did make me laugh later when we went out to a local soft play.  "Mummy, your tidy isn't that tidy".  I think she's been talking to either Daddy or my Mum.  They both think I'm untidy.  I'm not untidy, I'm just not obsessive about cleaning and having a house that looks like a show house.

Actually cleaning is fun.  When I lived by myself long ago, I used to love my Saturday mornings when I did the weekly big clean of my flat whilst watching SMTV with Ant & Dec or CDUK.  I got out of that routine when I met Daddy.  It sounds like I don't clean now - I do, honestly.  I'm just not obsessive and don't have a  particular day I do the big clean.  But watching the programme has inspired me to do a big Spring clean.  Spring is bright and cheerful.  Spring is new things.  Spring is sunshine.  I like Spring so a Spring clean sounds like a good plan.

However I can't do that tomorrow as Missy has declared that as tomorrow is Mother's Day, I don't have to do anything and that her and Daddy are chefs for the day.  Sounds good to me.

Half term and feeling SAD.

I haven't updated this blog in over a week because, to be honest, I just haven't felt like it.  When I feel depressed, I find it hard to get motivated to do much.

But today I've given myself a goal of doing the blog before I have to collect Missy.

Last week was half term and Daddy was home from Saturday to Wednesday.  We kept to routine as much as we could but we did have a couple of days out, including to the zoo and to a soft play event on Wednesday, organised by Adoption Support at our LA.  Monday and Tuesday were gorgeous sunny days and meant we could sit outside enjoying some sun.  Years ago one GP suggested I may be suffering from mild Seasonal Affective Disorder  (SAD) often known as winter blues, where sufferers feel very depressed, lethargic, often anxious.  Lack of sunlight is thought to affect production of a hormone called serotonin, the 'feel good' hormone, and is also thought to affect the body's natural rhythms.  So sitting on the backdoor step  in the beautiful sunshine was like getting a massive dose of good medicine.

The soft play event was excellent. There were about 80 or so children, all adopted or to-be adopted, plus parents.  It was not only fun for the kids, but a great opportunity to speak with other adopters about their experiences.  At an event like this, parents can relax a little and not feel the need to apologise or feel embarrassed by their child's behaviour, because chances are that most of the parents have experienced the same from their child.  I made a couple new friends and Missy appeared to have a fairly good time too, although anxiety was evident as she didn't really want to talk with us and had her 'thunder' face on each time she came back to us. But on the whole it was a good experience for all of us.

Thursday wasn't so fun though as Daddy went abroad with work, due back this evening.  I think this was one of the triggers for my panic attack recently. Thankfully my Mum came over to stay for two nights then on Saturday night we went to Mum's and came back yesterday. Thank God for my Mum otherwise I would have imploded. Missy had a few tantrums and strops when she got anxious and, unsurprisingly, didn't settle straight away in her bedroom at my Mum's.  She's not a naughty girl as such, but does like her own way and needs to be in control so setting boundaries can cause issues.  The main thing is her constant attention seeking and non-stop chatter.  If she isn't talking, she's singing.  It's exhausting.  Mummy this, mummy that.  I felt anxious when I woke up this morning and had thoughts about being child-less but when Missy got up she gave me a hug and a kiss which made me feel happier but also guilty for thinking like that.

The food obsession, fibbing and being ill obsession was in full swing this week from Missy, plus out of the blue at my Mum's she said she didn't want to live with me and Daddy forever and missed her old mummy.  But the next minute she completely changed the subject and was showing my Mum how she draws something.  I didn't feel too upset as I've heard from many adopters that adoptees can say this and it's just part of grieving for their old life.  It did throw me a bit though.  But the last few days must have been unsettling for Missy, what with Daddy away (she asked me if he was coming back) and staying in a strange new bed.

I've got to drag myself out to the shops later as the cupboards are almost bare and I've got to make myself reply to two emails from friends.  In return I can treat myself to something nice.  I've had depression before and it feels like I'm in a dark forest and I can't see which way to turn.  My head is so foggy.  So I have to give myself little goals and gradully pull myself through until the fog clears.

Roll on tonight when we pick Daddy up from the station (I hope he's brought me a present).

Panic attack

I had a panic attack last night.  At midnight I woke up with a start, with an impending sense of doom.  A panic attack is so much more than feeling anxious or worried.  To help self-diagnose, The Anxiety UK website asks: "Have you experienced sudden attacks of intense anxiety or fear during which you felt as if you were going to die, or lose control, or go crazy?"

Yes, that's how I felt.  It was scary.  I couldn't lie down, I couldn't just sit there. I got up, walked around, went downstairs, felt very agitated.  Nothing Daddy did could help.  For the first time in my life I was afraid of the dark.  I had some very threatening and dark thoughts.

Ten minutes later, thankfully probably because I was so tired, I managed to fall back asleep.  On waking, I felt ok although this last week I haven't felt brilliant in general.  I still have the remnants of flu and a lack of energy and I'm not looking forward to Daddy going away with work later in the week.  I'm still feeling inadequate as a mummy (see Bad Mummy).  If I could spend the day sitting on the sofa flicking through the tv channels, I probably would.

What I am probably suffering from is post-adoption depression.  

I've had depression before, back in 1999 and then again in 2002.   The fact I've suffered is not a negative point for the social workers.  The fact I've coped with it and got through it is actually a positive.  One of the ways I got through it before was using homeopathy and I'll be turning to this therapy again.  I'm against anti-depressants as they just cover up the symptoms, not get to the root cause.  I'll be talking about it with the social workers too.  My Mum is a massive support and a few of my adopter mum friends will be there for me.  I mentioned it to one of my best friends on Friday when we met for coffee (I am getting myself off the sofa) and she had some wonderful words for me, so supportive.  I've also made a friend of one of the mums at the school date - hurrah.  She is lovely and we hit it off straight away and I told her about the adoption when Missy was invited for a play date last week.   Plus, it really goes without saying, that Daddy will be there for me.

Yet with all the support, depression of any kind is lonely.  No-one apart from the sufferer truly knows what is going on in the sufferer's head and only the sufferer will know what is their personal formula for improvement.  Every one is different. For me, kind words, positive words, hugs and drugs all go a long way to help but ultimately it's down to me to help me.

All of this does not mean I'm not striving to give Missy the best care though.   I will always do that (although I'm still on a massive learning curve).   We've had an up and down week.  One moment she's an angel, funny, delightful and the next she is a little devil.  She was a devil at her friend's house - wouldn't talk to me, was rude and stubborn.  She's been answering back a lot lately and has been very moody.  On a positive note, she has been playing by herself more (it was lovely to hear her in the garden today playing with a football and even lovelier seeing her have so much fun when Daddy joined in), her artwork is awesome, there have been small improvements in her number work and she definitely seems to be building some attachment to us.

School Disco

Missy's school held a disco last week, the first sitting being for nursery, Reception and KS1.  I wasn't going to not let Missy go but I knew she would find it a little difficult.

Whilst Missy is very age appropriate in many ways, she does have a little catching up to do in the social and emotional areas.  If you ask her to dance at home to music, she is like a whirling dervish, showing off her rmoves, laughing and giggling.  At the disco she was the opposite.  On the dance floor she looked a little lost, not really knowing what to do, not until a classmate came along grabbed her by the hand and started dancing.  At this point she would break out into an enormous smile.  She'd dance with them but then, like many 5-7 year olds, they were off again at 100mph round the dance floor leaving Missy alone again.  When she caught my eye and I displayed a few moves (of sorts!), she'd stare and frown at me (and no, it wasn't because my moves were embarrassing) and look the other way.  I wanted to scoop her up and dance with her but this would have led to a tantrum.

The hour-long disco was clearly stressful at times for her.  When she asked me to take her to the loo, she was angry, when we walked back to the car she was grumpy, when we got back in she wouldn't tell Daddy about the disco.  When in the company of several children, Missy usually spends much of the time staring at them, trying to make sense of what they are doing.  At the disco, much of what she did was copying the other children.  And that's good, that's how children learn, by copying.   It was a shame though that she didn't enjoy the disco as much as many of her classmates who are confident, have high self-esteem and just know what to do.

At least though I now know what the kids of these ages are listening to.  I stopped listening to the charts in the late 80s!  And I distinctly remember Heart of Glass by Blondie and Up Town Rankin by Althia & Donna being played at my school disco.