I haven't updated this blog in over a week because, to be honest, I just haven't felt like it. When I feel depressed, I find it hard to get motivated to do much.
But today I've given myself a goal of doing the blog before I have to collect Missy.
Last week was half term and Daddy was home from Saturday to Wednesday. We kept to routine as much as we could but we did have a couple of days out, including to the zoo and to a soft play event on Wednesday, organised by Adoption Support at our LA. Monday and Tuesday were gorgeous sunny days and meant we could sit outside enjoying some sun. Years ago one GP suggested I may be suffering from mild Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) often known as winter blues, where sufferers feel very depressed, lethargic, often anxious. Lack of sunlight is thought to affect production of a hormone called serotonin, the 'feel good' hormone, and is also thought to affect the body's natural rhythms. So sitting on the backdoor step in the beautiful sunshine was like getting a massive dose of good medicine.
The soft play event was excellent. There were about 80 or so children, all adopted or to-be adopted, plus parents. It was not only fun for the kids, but a great opportunity to speak with other adopters about their experiences. At an event like this, parents can relax a little and not feel the need to apologise or feel embarrassed by their child's behaviour, because chances are that most of the parents have experienced the same from their child. I made a couple new friends and Missy appeared to have a fairly good time too, although anxiety was evident as she didn't really want to talk with us and had her 'thunder' face on each time she came back to us. But on the whole it was a good experience for all of us.
Thursday wasn't so fun though as Daddy went abroad with work, due back this evening. I think this was one of the triggers for my panic attack recently. Thankfully my Mum came over to stay for two nights then on Saturday night we went to Mum's and came back yesterday. Thank God for my Mum otherwise I would have imploded. Missy had a few tantrums and strops when she got anxious and, unsurprisingly, didn't settle straight away in her bedroom at my Mum's. She's not a naughty girl as such, but does like her own way and needs to be in control so setting boundaries can cause issues. The main thing is her constant attention seeking and non-stop chatter. If she isn't talking, she's singing. It's exhausting. Mummy this, mummy that. I felt anxious when I woke up this morning and had thoughts about being child-less but when Missy got up she gave me a hug and a kiss which made me feel happier but also guilty for thinking like that.
The food obsession, fibbing and being ill obsession was in full swing this week from Missy, plus out of the blue at my Mum's she said she didn't want to live with me and Daddy forever and missed her old mummy. But the next minute she completely changed the subject and was showing my Mum how she draws something. I didn't feel too upset as I've heard from many adopters that adoptees can say this and it's just part of grieving for their old life. It did throw me a bit though. But the last few days must have been unsettling for Missy, what with Daddy away (she asked me if he was coming back) and staying in a strange new bed.
I've got to drag myself out to the shops later as the cupboards are almost bare and I've got to make myself reply to two emails from friends. In return I can treat myself to something nice. I've had depression before and it feels like I'm in a dark forest and I can't see which way to turn. My head is so foggy. So I have to give myself little goals and gradully pull myself through until the fog clears.
Roll on tonight when we pick Daddy up from the station (I hope he's brought me a present).