Top 10 adoption books chosen by children

Coram, an adoption charity, have put together this National Adoption Week a wonderful list of the top 10 children's books chosen by adopted children.  Most of the books have an adoption theme, some have the theme of being different. The children, of many different ages, have picked books that they can most identify with.

It's a great idea, particularly as the list has been compiled by children, and not by adults who might include what they think should be included.

From Coram's list, we have the Nutmeg books, which I know Missy likes, although we haven't read it for a while. She also loves Charlie & Lola.  Interestingly, although Charlie & Lola are not adopted, the author, Lauren Child, is an adopter.

There's a couple of books on the list that I think I'll get for Missy which are 'The Most Precious Present in the World' by Becky Edwards and 'Morris and the Bundle of Worries' by Jill Seeney.

Interestingly, Missy's current book of choice that she picked from the library is called The Abandoned Kitten, about a family who look after kittens from the RSPCA, kind of foster parents to the cats.  Another favourite story of hers is Matilda by Roald Dahl in which Matilda's parents really don't care about her and in the end she is adopted by her teacher.  Missy also loves Paddington who ends up living with another family.

So what's your favourite adoption themed book to read with your children, or be read by them?  Do you use books to help your child understand their worries and anxieties related to adoption?



To find out more about the work of Coram, please go to www.coram.org.uk

National Adoption Week - 'Too Old at 4?'

It's National Adoption Week and the theme this year is finding home for older children aged four and upwards. Older children may be in siblings groups, having additional needs or from minority groups and there is currently a shortage of adopters coming forward.

This image, taken by Mary McCartnery, is being projected onto various buildings around England this week to promote National Adoption Week.

It seems crazy to think of a four year old as an older child but that's the way it is in adoption.  I didn't even realise that until after we were matched with Missy.   Many adopters would like a baby or toddler, for lots of reasons - experience having a baby even if the mother didn't give birth, maternal instincts, not missing out of 'firsts'.

For us, although we were approved for a child aged 0-5, I think we always swayed towards an older child and as soon as we saw the photos of Missy, we knew she was the child for us.  Government figures have shown that, sadly, older child can remain in care far longer than those under 4, a fact which makes me so sad when thinking about Missy in care.

Having not been removed from birth family until she was an older pre-schooler, she has vivid real life memories of the home she used to live in and what it was like at times.  I'm not saying babies and young toddlers won't but their memories will be further in their subconscious.  But in a way this has helped us when helping Missy with her anger and anxiety and understanding of why she was removed.

If you are thinking about adopting an older child and worried about missing out on firsts - don't worry! There are still loads of firsts, some for just the child, some for you as a whole family.  We still had the first tooth to come out, first advent calendar and Christmas stocking at Christmas, first time on a plane, first time she said "I love you" to us, first time she swam 5m and many many more.  Then there's a big one for all of us - first time she called someone Daddy.  There are really so many firsts.

Whether I would have had post-adoption depression if we'd adopted a baby, who knows, but having an older child who soon went to school meant I soon had the invaluable me-time that I needed.

Missy came to us having already had five years to form her values and beliefs and it has certainly not been easy at times - regular readers of this blog will know that for sure! - but we've had some wonderful times so far, lots of laughter and smiles with many more to come.

Summer's out, school's back

So we had a pretty good summer, some great days out, a few play dates, a fab holiday abroad and a few nights camping, all sprinkled with a small dose of tantrums.  Much the same as last year really.

One thing I did notice with Missy, particularly on our holiday, was how young she can act at times. She went through a phrase of speaking much like a toddler, and seeing her play with friends in the pool, at times she seemed much younger than her 7 years.  On the last day, I had a very interesting chat with a lady around the pool who is a primary school teacher, the only person to whom I talked about adoption. She had noticed that Missy was always clocking what the other kids were doing, where they were, who they were talking to and at times how she would be exceptionally clingy with some children.  

I really like that Missy has a lot more confidence at her age than I did (I was very shy) and she is great at making friends, but this area of friendships does also appear to be one where Missy can stumble a little or make inappropriate choices. It's probably the main area that school pick up on so we'll see how she fairs in this new school year.

Talking of school, Missy has been back three days.  She wasn't too worried about going back, in fact she was really looking forward to it.  I really didn't see any sign of anxiety.  Her teacher is brand new and hadn't heard of attachment disorder (!) so I'm going to give her a week or so to settle down (Missy and teacher!) and then ask to meet with the teacher.  This afternoon the anxiety appeared after school when Missy had a huge meltdown and I found it hard to remain therapeutic.  As I type, four hours later, I'm still a little unsettled.
I'm not looking forward to the winter.  The pattern now is that winter brings with it more deregulation.

In other news, I had sedation last week for an endoscopy.  Wow!  If only I could have sedation every night. I was out like a light!

Another good week, meeting SWs and James Rhodes

I think on balance it's been a good week. Not too much negativity, worries or fears, lots of empathy, taking care and calm ....... and that's just me. So in keeping with my current run of positive posts, here's another one.

It was PE Day at school this week. KS1 don't compete in races, rather in groups they work their way around seven activities such as throwing, balancing, welly wanging and obstacles, collecting points as they go for their respective Houses. It was flippin' hot this week but the little ones manages so well whilst the parents sought out shade. Missy had a great time and shone in a couple of activities. 

Also this week she attended Brownies with lots of other local scouting and guiding packs for a special activity evening. She is loving Brownies, making friends which is great since no one else from her school goes (although her best friend will be going once she moves). Several of her friends go to Beavers instead, going up to Cubs imminently, but I felt Missy was better suited to Brownies.  She's going to be enrolled soon which is going to be emotional.

Another positive this week is a meeting I had with SS to assess our needs. I was glad to see one of the senior SWs was meeting with me - she is lovely and came to my rescue about a month after Missy came home. We discussed the highs and lows of the last year, often with me in tears. I was quite glad to cry actually because I often hold back on the tears when talking to people who really don't get it.  After taking copious notes, they are now going to consider what might be best for Missy/us - this may take a while as they have to go via managers but I'm hopeful for some good support seeing as CAMHS was, in turned out in the end, as useful as a chocolate teapot. Counselling for me may be an option in the first instance.  

During the meeting I explained my confidence had done a disappearing act. However I was also telling them about some of the good things that have happened over the last year and how delighted we were with Missy in many ways. Lovely SW said we were doing a fantastic job as parents and we weren't to forget it! I think sometimes we do forget how far in some areas Missy has come and we need to remember those things far more than we do.

Another positive comes from school. I've asked if they could use Pupil Premium Plus to pay for music lessons for Missy and HT said yes, no problem.  I love this school!

In other news, I went to see James Rhodes last week talk about his new book and play some amazing music on the piano.  James is a late 30-something concert pianist, going against the tide.  No tails for him, just jeans and trainers.  He's very funny, articulate, passionate.  He's a survivor of childhood rape by his PE Master when he was 6-9 years old.  His book is about his life then and since, his attempted suicide, being sectioned, rehab, his trauma, his passion for the piano.  His passion has kept him alive and his enthusiasm swept over me in waves so much.  He gets trauma.  He understands hypervigilience.  He disassociates.   He is awesome and his story is amazing.  I highly recommend his book - 'Instrumental'.

Manners, confidence and iron levels

If there's one thing that Daddy and I seem to be winning in with Missy, it's teaching her good manners.  People often comment on how polite she is and, no, it's not just a compliance thing.  The lady who lives opposite has just crossed the road to me, whilst I was in the front garden, to say how polite and lovely she thought Missy was.  And the mother of Missy's new friend who lives down the road also commented on how delightful she is.   If only they knew what she can be like!  But to be fair to Missy and not take anything away from her, she does have and continues to learn good manners.  Hurrah!

Something else that Missy has that I certainly didn't have at her age is confidence.  She has lots of it and if I'd had had half of what she has now then I would have been a happier child.  I would have hated going to somewhere like a school holiday club, Brownies or gymnastics if at least one of my friends wasn't going.  I was so shy when I was little and not much changed as I got older.  I'm still shy at times and lack confidence in certain situations.  Missy, however, is  happy to talk to the neighbours, knock on her friends door, go to Brownies where currently no-one from her school goes.  She can get a little shy at first in new places but it doesn't last long - a minute or so - but she soon makes friends.  She is fully aware of stranger danger so I know she won't just talk to any random person.

I came across a song by Little Mix last week when looking up another song for Missy.  It's called Little Me and some of the lyrics are:-

Wish I knew back then

What I know now.

Wish I could somehow

Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,

Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,

Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,

Everything she doesn't see.

(Know that right here, right now)

If I could speak to little me, I'd definitely use these words.

In other news, the GP has diagnosed iron deficiency anaemia.  Apparently most people have six months store of iron in their bodies.  I have none.  I said to the doc that I tried a 2 mile walk/run last week.  He said "I'm surprised you could run at all with those iron levels!".  Ahhhh, so that probably explains my complete lack of energy over the last few years and I'm not just being a lazy lump.  

The one and only Daddy

Missy's hand made card for Fathers' Day that brought a tear to my eye.



Dear Daddy,

I LOVE YOU so much because you are SPECIAL!!!

Daddy you are the best because you are the one and only Daddy I wanted in my life!!

Your Dearest Daughter

The Best Bits

Next week The Adoption Social are holding a Twitter chat about #theBestBits as an antidote to last week's chat about child to parent violence.

Readers of my blog may be forgiven in thinking it's all negative in Missy world.  Whilst anger is never far away, I can assure you we do have some good moments.  When Missy's head is filled with anger, red mist, anxieties and worries I wonder how her brain can find space to learn. But she manages it.

So, our Best Bit recently was at the recent parents' evening where and Daddy and I were pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made and how happy her teacher is with her work. Her reading is very good, she loves to write and write and write, she's made huge leaps in her maths, she's now feeling confident enough to put up her hand to answer a question and her artwork is, as usual, to a high standard.  

Her progress started once she had settled in class, not worrying so much about who was coming in and out, who was sitting where and why wasn't so and so on the right chair, was talking to who, who had hurt themselves. Missy is hyper vigilant, she doesn't miss anything. Open the fridge slightly for two seconds and she'll immediately clock all the contents.  Watch Beat the Brain on BBC2 at 6.30pm and you'll do better to beat Missy on certain of the Observation rounds. But at least for now her hyper vigilance is not getting in the way of her school work.

Also at school Missy recently was awarded the weekly class merit for using her initiative and it seems that she has quite a lot of friends.  This week is SATS week and whilst her teacher has very much played them down, I did think Missy would struggle but, no, she was actually looking forward to doing the tests and has been quite chilled out about them.

So they are Missy's best bits for this week.  I'll post some more next week.

My best bits were when Steve Norman of Spandau Ballet followed me on Twitter and Martin Kemp retweeted one of my tweets.  I'm easily pleased.  <sigh>