I had fully intended to update my blog several times over the festive season. But that intention went out the window because a) I couldn't update during the day with Missy constantly needing attention and b) once she went to bed I collapsed in a heap.
I was dreading the holidays and whilst it was hard work, Missy was much better behaved that I had expected. She had a few tantrums but nothing I couldn't deal with. Her anxiety levels were still high and she needed constant reassurance and attention, but she was much better than before Christmas.
Christmas itself was quiet really. Missy was excited but not as excited as many 5 year olds, probably because she's never lived anywhere where it's been celebrated fully. I think I was more excited about the Advent Calendar and hanging up the stocking than she was. We kept it fairly low key on purpose anyway and I've attempted to keep routine during the last few weeks. We didn't buy that many presents but did include a couple of games as we wanted to teach Missy about playing by the rules. She's learning quickly and has only cried a couple of times when she lost. Father Christmas gave her a lovely doll with gorgeous long blonde hair that Mummy has to comb! I got a lovely text from a friend on Christmas Day asking how we were and saying not to worry if Missy seemed ungrateful or uninterested in the presents, it's just that it's too overwhelming and exciting for them to take it all in. We did a fair bit of cooking, made mince pies, made gingerbread biscuits in the shape of stars and hearts, went for some walks, did a huge of amount of drawing (her artwork is fabulous) and played hairdressers.
With Daddy only having four days off over the last few weeks, I did however arrange several days where I wasn't by myself with Missy. I think I would have imploded otherwise.
Missy has made two new friends: both are her age, one is a fellow adopteee and the daughter of a new friend of mine who the SWs put me in touch with, and the other is the daughter of one of my best friends. I was worried how she would play bearing in mind she isn't that good at sharing and is a terrible loser, but actually she played really nicely. The two occasions also gave me some respite whilst I chatted over lunch with their mums. My new friend first adopted four years ago and again last year and although I've only known her a few weeks, she has been a massive support. It's so good to hear that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. It was also good to see Missy alongside her non-adopted new friend and realise that some of her mannerisms are just that of a five year old, without labelling them as 'adoptive' behaviours.
One particular day I really enjoyed was New Year's Day as the three of us went up to London, first of all visiting Buckingham Palace (Missy was a little underwhelmed) then we walked down the Mall to Trafalgar Square, watching some of the NYD parade, walked up to Leicester Square to meet one of Daddy's friends and his family for lunch and then we walked to HAmleys toy store in Regent Street before heading home. Missy was brilliantly behaved and didn't appear overwhelmed by any of it. She then decided it would be nice to invite the Queen to ours for tea and some of Daddy's cheesecake, so the letter has been written in Missy's fair hand and Buck Palace should have received it last Saturday. I'll update if we get any reply.
One thing Missy has been saying the last few days is that she is scared and worried. She can't (or won't - not sure) articulate what it is that's worrying her but I suspect it might be tied in with going back to school today. Amazingly she was fine this morning and I really hope she doesn't regress to the behaviour of last term, but we shall see at 3.15pm.
So how do we feel now that we've had her for 10 weeks and got through Christmas. Honestly? My feelings change by the minute. One minute I feel hopeful, the next I don't want her here. We still don't feel any affection and still feel like we're babysitting, although this seems common amongst adopters, some of whom take months if not years to feel a strong bond. In theory we could now apply for the Adoption Order to legally adopt Missy but we're not going to. We're just not in the right place at the moment but I can see moments of hope, which is good.
In other news though, I very excited about having my hair cut this week and am thinking about applying for a job!!
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