School Disco

Missy's school held a disco last week, the first sitting being for nursery, Reception and KS1.  I wasn't going to not let Missy go but I knew she would find it a little difficult.

Whilst Missy is very age appropriate in many ways, she does have a little catching up to do in the social and emotional areas.  If you ask her to dance at home to music, she is like a whirling dervish, showing off her rmoves, laughing and giggling.  At the disco she was the opposite.  On the dance floor she looked a little lost, not really knowing what to do, not until a classmate came along grabbed her by the hand and started dancing.  At this point she would break out into an enormous smile.  She'd dance with them but then, like many 5-7 year olds, they were off again at 100mph round the dance floor leaving Missy alone again.  When she caught my eye and I displayed a few moves (of sorts!), she'd stare and frown at me (and no, it wasn't because my moves were embarrassing) and look the other way.  I wanted to scoop her up and dance with her but this would have led to a tantrum.

The hour-long disco was clearly stressful at times for her.  When she asked me to take her to the loo, she was angry, when we walked back to the car she was grumpy, when we got back in she wouldn't tell Daddy about the disco.  When in the company of several children, Missy usually spends much of the time staring at them, trying to make sense of what they are doing.  At the disco, much of what she did was copying the other children.  And that's good, that's how children learn, by copying.   It was a shame though that she didn't enjoy the disco as much as many of her classmates who are confident, have high self-esteem and just know what to do.

At least though I now know what the kids of these ages are listening to.  I stopped listening to the charts in the late 80s!  And I distinctly remember Heart of Glass by Blondie and Up Town Rankin by Althia & Donna being played at my school disco.

Bad Mummy?

When Missy came out of school on Monday, Daddy, who wasn't working that day, instantly saw that something was up when she got in the car.  Usually she is asking for her snack, doing her drawings, chatting non-stop but on Monday she snuggled on the sofa with Daddy and I didn't hear a peep out of her for an hour.  That's when I knew something was wrong but Daddy had spotted it earlier.  Why didn't I spot it?  I felt like a bad mummy.

By 5pm Missy was burning up.  We took her down to her vest and jeans and took her temperature - 39.9c. What to do?  I hadn't a clue and had to look on the internet.  Daddy took charge and once again I felt like a bad mummy for not really knowing.

Daddy checked on her later in bed and she was sweating.  I still can't check on her after she's gone to bed.  I don't know why, perhaps I don't want to wake her up and disturb her, perhaps I've closed the (bedroom) door on being a mummy at 7pm in need of slumping on the sofa for a rest.  Bad mummy again? I've got to do it soon though as Daddy is going away on business.

So, Missy was off school Tuesday and Wednesday as her temperature was still high, though she was pretty much back to her usual self on Wednesday.  I was exhausted though, having never looked after an ill child before.  Thankfully back to school yesterday via the eye clinic, although Daddy was off work yesterday with very bad sciatica so I'm feeling a bit like a nurse this week.

In other news, it's the school disco tonight.  I wonder what they'll be dancing too?  In my day it was Blondie and The Buggles.

"Waves of doubt keep drowning me"

There's a song by Level 42 called Lessons in Love that contains the words "waves of doubt keep drowning me".    I think us adopters could re-write the song and call it Lessons in Adoption but keep those same words.

OK, I'm not being drowned any more like we were back in November/December but waves are still lightly lapping up around my feet.  Only occasionally though.   Every now and then a little wave of doubt, of mild panic, washes over and I worry but then we have a day like today when Missy has been pretty much perfect (ok, there are 90 mins left before she goes to bed as I write so this could all change*).

But yesterday morning after Daddy had done an excellent job getting her dressed and washed, playing their usual games, I tried to do her hair and ended up walking out of her room after she had a tantrum, hit me and then hid in a corner.  I walked out rather than let her see me cry.  Daddy sorted the situation and we had all had a hug.  The Adoption UK monthly magazine then arrived.  It's a very useful magazine but the first article I read sent one of those waves washing up.

It's a bit like one step backwards and two steps forward (which sounds far more positive than two steps forward and one back).  We're making progress albeit slowly.  We're heading in the right direction and stop a while when one of those waves comes in, then we move forward again.

Last night I went out with the local adopter mums' support group for a meal.  It's so great to speak to other mums and share our situations, our issues, our life with mums who get what is happening.   I have lots of lovely friends who are very supportive in regard to how hard parenting is, but, apart from two, they don't get that parenting an adoptee makes things that bit more difficult.  Why is my daughter so anxious about going to a particular shopping centre - has she remembered something from her past?  Why doesn't she like feathers?  What makes her hyper-vigilant?  Does she understand why it wasn't safe with her birth mum, what does she remember?  Is a song I'm playing triggering a memory?  What are these 'sad feelings' she has which she cannot explain to us? I guess only adoptive parents will really understand what I mean here.

In other news, my tax rebate is due and I'm treating myself to a massage.  Yeah!


* Missy had a little grumble but I'll put it down to tiredness.

Dear Daughter ...

Dear Daughter,

We're very proud of you this week.   You were very good at Theraplay, you learnt to forward roll at gymnastics, you showed your SW that you can add 2 + 2 and you knew some bigger numbers.   You apologised for hitting Daddy and you reflected on the last time we were in M&S and said you wouldn't get angry today and grab my cake.  You haven't moaned about your cough.  You've had dry knickers for eight days now and and you picked the cheapest set of stickers in the shop.

Small steps forward.

Love

Mummy & Daddy

xx

Busy day - mum and daughter exhausted.

It was a busy day yesterday, starting with a meeting at Missy's school regarding her Personal Education Plan (PEP).  The meeting was at 9.30 although due to snow and traffic issues, the SW and Advisory Teacher from the LA didn't make it til 10.30!  Thankfully Missy's teacher was very understanding and we had a good chat in the meantime.  All Looked After Children have to have an PEP (Missy is still a LAC as we have not formally adopted her yet).  The point of the PEP is to provide a teaching and learning provision to meet the educational and other needs of the child.

The meeting lasted an hour during which Missy's teacher ran through her thoughts about Missy, how she settled in, what she liked/disliked, her hunger issue etc.  The SW and I outlined some of Missy's issues and we all discussed how the school can support Missy.  We looked at the curriculum and highlighted a couple of points such as family tree and Mothers Day work which the class will do.  What people may feel are innocent and fun subjects can actually stir up a whole load of stuff for adopted and fostered children.  I think it was a good meeting and a few things I was going to bring up were already highlighted by the teacher. I like her, despite not having worked with LAC, she is on the ball.  I also gave her and the Head a copy of Education Now, an educational supplement put together by Adoption UK, for which they were grateful.

After the meeting I had time to rush home, have a coffee and a quick bite to eat before heading back to school to pick up Missy for her Theraplay appointment.  Missy had fallen over in the snow and proudly showed me her plaster.  Unfortunately her tights were still wet so the TA had put her in boys socks.  Luckily I had her gym leggings in my bag so changed her into those.

I had previously explained to Missy that we were visiting a lovely lady  who worked with other youngsters who had found new families and could help Missy with some of her worries, and that lovely lady was going to play with her.  The point of Theraplay is to enhance and build attachment, self-esteem, trust in others and 'joyful engagement'.

All Missy was interested was whether there would be colouring pencils.  We all sat on a rug and started by drawing round Missy's hands and making hand prints to illustrate that only she has those hands and that she is an indvidiual. Then the therapist started to play a few games, all designed to help regulate sensory issues.  Missy was more interested in the toys around the room and looked a little confused as to why we were doing these silly games.  When it came to hiding a toy in the sandpit, Missy got annoyed that I was looking but the therapist explained we were working as a team.  We then finished with a biscuit game (of course, Missy had already clocked the biscuits).  We both had to but a ring shaped biscuit on our fingers with Missy nibbling round my biscuit and me nibbling around hers, trying not to break it.  No surprises this was Missy's favourite game.  We've got another 8 sessions so only time will tell how successful it is.

After Theraplay it was time for gymnastics.  Missy can now manage a forward roll of sorts and was happy jumping off some apparatus on to a mat, which I think is fabulous.  She's never going to be a Beth Tweddle (I'll probably eat my words in ten years) as she doesn't concentrate or really take it properly what is being demonstrated, but the fact is she is getting exercise, she's interacting with other children and it is boosting her confidence.

So, by the end of the day I was exhausted, let alone Missy. No surprises she was asleep by 7pm and I was falling asleep on the sofa at 9.30pm.

Snow, snow go away.

I wish the snow would stop.  If it doesn't then school will no doubt be closed tomorrow and I was really looking forward to seeing a friend.  The snow already scuppered a night out set for last Friday, which was to be my first night out in over 3 months since before the Introductions started last October.  I can't believe I haven't been out for over 3 months! I was due to meet up with one of my best friends and we've rescheduled for next Friday so fingers crossed for no snow.  I'm turning into a hermit.

Missy doesn't seem that interested in snow.  We played out a bit this morning and made a couple of snowmen, whilst Daddy shovelled loads of snow in my direction, but 20 minutes later she was too cold and wanted to come in.

Daddy and I got a bit cold out this morning as we had to defrost the central heating!  We've got a combi boiler and the outlet had become frozen - apparently it's a flaw in combi boilers.  So Daddy was up a ladder whilst I handed him endless pans, jugs and kettle full of hot water to help defrost the pipes, which we've now wrapped in a fleece!   We were probably outside for an hour and Missy was so good during this time, just sat watching some tv and doing some colouring.  She also didn't come in to our bedroom until gone 8am this morning just to let me know she was going downstairs to feed the cats and do some colouring whilst Daddy had a lie-in.  Gradually, very gradually, she is happier keeping herself amused.  She still wants tonnes of attention but there are smidgeons of improvement.

Hopefully the play therapist will help even more in this regard.  The follow up we had last Tuesday was useful and at this meeting Missy's SW came along too as did Daddy.  We explained that her behaviour had improved since our first meeting before Christmas, although there were still lots of issues, in particular the food issue and the attention-seeking issue.  The play therapist explained that it was quite probably she had missed the foundation of play during her time with birth mum.  Whilst she is good at Jenga, fantastic at drawing and colouring, getting better at board games and has a great imagination, it's likely she missed out on messy play and age-appropriate play and missing out this stage could have repercussions in later life.  So, we are starting play therapy next week with Missy.  I think to begin with it's just the therapist playing with Missy although I'm in the room, and then over the weeks I join in too.

Missy did make us laugh last night.  Although she often wets her knickers during the day, she will take herself off to the bathroom with no problem during the night, although she does this almost sleep-walking.  Often she gets up about two hours after going to bed and last night when she got up whilst we were watching TV, we heard a thump so Daddy went to investigate.  Five minutes later Daddy came downstairs laughing.   When in the bathroom, Daddy asked Missy if she was ok and she nodded yes though with no real expression, he asked her if she was going for a wee and she nodded and then he asked her why she was weeing in the bath!  She looked round, shrugged, carried on then tried to flush the loo before skipping back to her bed, giving Daddy a hug, smiled and then fell straight back to sleep.  Bless her!  The loo is right next to the bath and in the semi-conscious state she obviously mistook the bath for the loo.

In other news, it's still snowing, grrrr.  Oh, and I've won a tenner on the lottery.

Improvements

The first week back at school has been, dare I say it, actually quite calm.  Missy hasn't been in a strop when she comes out, she has talked to me about her day and she has told me what she had for lunch.  Her teacher is now completing a Home School Diary so I can see what she had done during the day.  Colouring features a lot as does singing.

Missy's singing is, on the one hand, rather noisy in the car and always ends with "Was that a good song?" but on the other hand some of her words and phrasing are quite delighful and make us smile.  A new Adele in the making?  She'll make up songs about anything and everything, you name it, she'll sing it.

The mornings have also been fine, no tantrums about getting out of bed at all thus far.  She's even making her own bed - ok, I have to straighten it somewhat and if I dare move her teddies from where she puts them then I get a stern "Mummy!", but the fact she makes it is great in my book.

We've got a follow up appointment with the play therapist tomorrow and I think the main issues we want to talk about are still the constant attention-seeking, the food issue and maybe trying to help her with recognising facial expressions.  I was crying with laughter at something last week and she thought I was upset (thank God the animated film 'Up' was on after she'd gone to bed last night, I was sobbing buckets) and yesterday I was watching something on a music channel, concentrating but with a fairly neutral face, and she asked "What's the matter Mummy, why are you sad?".  I guess it must be harder for her to understand facial expressions considering her no doubt chaotic lifestyle pre foster care.

Daddy and I went to a local adopters coffee morning last Friday, where there were about 10 other adopters (all women much to Daddy's amusement).  It was lovely to be able to speak about our experiences and be completely understood by other parents, with lots of knowing nodding going on. There were a few toddlers there but many of the parents have also adopted older children (5 counts as older). The lady who organises it is very proactive and also arranges a Mum's night out (can't wait!), a Dad's curry and various other get-togethers.  The bizarre thing was that I only found out about it by chance, not because our social workers had given us any information previously which I found quite staggering.

A few other improving points of late - we played two games over the weekend; game 1 I won first time and Missy cried but second time when Daddy won, she didn't cry.  We also played snakes and ladders, I won and again she didn't have a strop.  Missy is also beginning to accept that she has tea by herself, whilst Daddy and I eat later, because she's already had a hot meal at lunch time.  I always sit with her and have a cuppa and talk to her but the fact I'm not eating with her is becoming less of an issue.  Small things for some, big in my book.

In other news, it's snowing and I have a night out this Friday, woohoo!!