Recharging the Self-Esteem Battery

I've been so proud of Missy over the last 7 days.  

She's taken part in a 3k fun run, ran faster than me and got some great cheers as she raced over the finish line.  

She was promoted into the next class at her swimming lessons.  

And yesterday, to top off a great week, she was awarded a Headteacher's Award for "all round fantastic progress and a wonderful attitude to school".

We celebrated last night with a BBQ and some pretend fizz (well, it was pretend for Missy). I've also bought her a loom band kit (I gave in).

For a while these events will boost her self-esteem, a recharge until the battery starts to run low again.  Her self-esteem has been at rock bottom over the last couple of weeks.  She thinks she isn't good enough (often seen with adopted children), she thinks she is disgusting and ugly.  To hear a beautiful, funny and talented six year old crying her eyes out saying these words is heartbreaking.  And when her self-esteem battery is running low then she has no energy for other functions, like problem solving.  When she talks in this manner, we are careful not to just say "No, you're not" because in her mind that shows we haven't listened.  We are gentle, we say it's so sad she feels that way, we wonder out loud as to why she feels that way, we validate her feelings, we explain how we feel about her and gently give her examples of why she is a superstar.  Gradually her frown turns the right way up, the self-esteem button has rebooted.

We had a lovely conversation in the car this morning about how it's always good to try your best, whatever that may be for her, because trying over and over brings results.  I told Missy that she ran well, swam well and got the Award because she has been the best person she can be. She agreed and told me it was good to practice something a lot "a bit like the lightbulb man, Mummy".  Yes, just like Thomas Eddison.  

She loves school and her progress in reading has been fantastic this year.  At the recent open evening she received lots of lovely praise from all the teachers, not just her Year 1 teacher.  She loves to be helpful and kind.  Some of it is down to being a tad too compliant and not wanting to do the wrong thing for fear of being shouted at. But a lot of it is because she is genuinely a lovely, polite little girl.  

So, the Award, in the form of a certificate, will be going on her wall alongside her other certificates from school, swimming and gymnastics, all visual evidence of what a superstar she is.

"I'm so proud of me"

"I'm so proud of me", said Missy on Sunday.

I'm so proud of her because for someone who clearly has self-esteem issues, these are massive words for her to say.  More than once in the last week she has questioned if anyone loves her, decided she wasn't pretty, hates her hair and is forever comparing herself to other girls in her class.

It's sad a 6 year old is thinking this way and not loving life with optimism.  Children with low self-esteem find many aspects of life challenging and great sources of anxiety.  Their first thoughts are "I can't do this" and even if they do manage something, often they still won't believe their ability.  Of course, it's not just adoptees that suffer from low self-esteem.  I have experienced low self-esteem for a great deal of my life. In some situations I can be confident and assertive but other situations can leave my floundering.  Having low-esteem is hard work, it  makes life hard work and so I really want to help Missy build her self-esteem.

So, the reason Missy was proud of herself was because we took part in the Sport Relief Mile and she ran like the wind.  She has run a few milers before, around where we live, but this was her first ever race.  A little overwhelmed at first by the huge crowds, she soon started to enjoy the occasion.  Unfortunately Mummy couldn't keep up (dodgy hip) and had to walk some of the way but I was never too far behind Missy and Daddy who let her take the lead.  She ran virtually every step of the way and raced through the finish line to clock 12 minutes 50 seconds, her best ever time for the mile.  Best thing for Missy was that she got a medal. Best thing for us was that she knew and accepted she had done well.