Friday, 12 December 2014

Feeling Christmassy but with a dose of anxiety thrown in

I am feeling a teeny bit Christmassy.  I think it's the Christmas Gingerbread Latte from M&S.   I'm certainly enjoying the run up to Christmas more this year than the past two years though it's been a stressful couple of weeks. Well, I say enjoying but that's probably a bit over the top.

I've been practising saying 'No'.  I do like lending a hand, especially where charity is concerned but at the moment charity needs to begin at home.  I remember Sally Donovan once writing "Step away from the PTA!".  I didn't take any notice I'm afraid, more because I felt doing something would help me feel useful, give me a sense of purpose.  It just made me feel stressed.

We had the school Christmas Fayre recently and my job was to coordinate getting raffle prizes.  I did pretty well but in the end had to pass it over to someone else as the stress was making me very anxious - I nearly burst into tears in Homebase!  I helped on the day and that was ok. Now the Christmas Fayre is over, I feel a bit better. Missy on the other the other hand was absolutely fine.  She's been rather overwhelmed the last two years but this year had a great time, even when she had to stay by my side whilst I had a manic 5 minutes on the cake stall until the person who was meant to be serving turned up.  She was very very tired in the evening but coped so much better this year.  In fact her stress levels have been a little lower recently - I wonder if its the homeopathic remedies she is taking?  She was brilliant in her school play and spoke up loud and clear.  She's been very understanding at home whilst the lounge and dining room has been in a right mess whilst we've been decorating.  The School Christmas panto brought up some anxieties - she's scared of the mean characters in it, obviously, but we've had some chats about it and I think she'll be ok, she'll be sitting next to her teacher who 'gets it'. 

Recently whilst we were painting, she spent some time, off her own back, deciding which toys she didn't want any more and wants to give them to charity so that "other children in need can have some toys".  Bless, she is really quite caring.  She then discussed what she'd like to do when she grows up.  She said she would be busy going to Africa to help children out there but, "oh my gosh" she just wouldn't have time to do her other jobs (being a vet, running a cafe and a nurse!).

My anxiety levels are pretty high at the moment. The slightest thing sends my heart raising and that sick feeling in my stomach to appear. I had to stop still in M&S yesterday and take some deep breaths. I'm not really sure why (secondary trauma has been mentioned to me a couple of times) because on the whole Missy's behaviour and emotions have been ok, school is good. Perhaps it's worrying about money (thanks HMRC for messing up!), perhaps it's a bad case of SAD this year, perhaps it's a mix of things. I'm looking at getting a SAD lamp again - it really helped the first time I had one and then I felt much better, started running (so was outside a lot dosing up on sunlight) and sold the lamp. But at the moment I can't run so I'm not outside much.  I've just joined the local gym (a lovely birthday prezzy for me) and am looking forward to a few hours a week down there.

Right, time for a cuppa, a mince pie and the next chapter in Sally Donovan's new book, then after school it's time to get a Christmas tree (got to be real, can't bring myself to get a plastic one).



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