Food (not so) Glorious Food

A month or so after Missy came to us, her food anxiety reared its head.  Portion sizes, other people eating when she's not, obsession with sweet things and when her next meal is have all caused massive anxieties over the last year.  Generally her anxieties have lessened quite considerably which is great but the relationship between her and food is never going to be an easy one.

At a Christmas party with other adopted children, all the kids were served a plate full of party food that the parents had brought and had been shared equally among the children.  Of 20 or so children, 17 ate (apparently) happily, stopped when they were full, were more interested in the games but three, including Missy, stayed at the table until every single crumb had disappeared off their plates.  And then she had jelly and ice cream. And then she won a sweet in Pass the Parcel - as every other child had eaten theirs, I didn't feel it was fair to say no on this occasion.  

Throughout the day Missy will ask about the timing of the next meal or snack.  If we are going somewhere, she will want to know if we will be eating there.  She needs to know exactly what is going in her sandwich bag each day and watches over me whilst I prepare - I used to usher her out the kitchen but soon realised that this was something she needed to do.

We and the SWs can't be sure exactly where her food issues come from.  Unlike some children who go into care, she wasn't consistently deprived of food although we do know suspect that there were times when she went without or was fed at inappopriate times.  She tells me she was fed a lot of sweet stuff and we know that at contact her birth mother would bring a lot of sweet things and Missy would down the lot, probably to please BM.  So it's not the deprivation food that I think is ultimately Missy's issue and thus it was interesting to read this article this week about food issues.

I think Missy's associates food with love.  Being fed equals being loved.  She looks at food as comforter, a friend, an emotional link with her carer. There's also the link with shame.  I get it - I've put on a stone over the last 18 months through 'comfort eating'. Then I'll feel bad about my weight ..... and so eat more because I feel bad.  It's a circle that I can, if I put my mind to it, get out of.  But Missy can't do this, she needs our help to help her work through the deep rooted negative feelings she holds within.

Achieving in Artwork #2

As Missy's interests expand - she's made a leap forward in reading over the last month and loves reading her books to us - one pastime continues to be her favourite and that is artwork. If she isn't drawing, she's making something.

Often she will see something that I'm going to recycle; perhaps a cardboard box, a cardboard insert from a package, a ribbon or maybe a toilet roll, and instantly see a shape in it. But drawing and painting is still her favourite. Yesterday she drew around a shell to make leaves, cut them all out and stuck them onto a tree trunk she had made. She's going to cut out pics of our family and stick them on her leaves to make her family tree. All her own idea.

I recently found some artists watercolour paper in the loft that I bought years and years ago so I let her have a few pieces. She loved seeing how the watercolours worked on the paper and painted some lovely rainbows. However, one painting really stood out for me. It's a girl standing next to a bonfire on fireworks night. I asked why she was all in black. "Because it's night time and you can only just see her." She didn't know the word silhouette but that's what she meant to draw. Genius in my opinion. For a 6 year old I think that shows some depth.

This post links up with the Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO where this week's theme is 'The work of our child/children'.

The Leaf

After school Missy has a drink and a snack whilst watching some TV and quite often I sit nearby with a cuppa. Sometimes she's quiet and at other times she witters constantly. Last Monday she was wittering away about this and that - "actually mummy I don't like this juice anymore can I have milk when is Dr Ranj on again Tommy hurt himself at school and teacher put a plaster on whats for tea can I have a leaf to stop me thinking about old mummy Peter Rabbit is my favourite when is it on can I take a game to Grandma's".  Hang on! Rewind! What was that about a leaf?

Missy had seen something on TV about a lucky leaf; I'm guessing a four leaf clover but I've looked through the CBeebies listing for that day and couldn't find anything.  She decided a leaf would help her stop having dreams about birth mum and help her have happy thoughts. She would put it under her pillow and could also take it to school. And could I make it please? Well I'm not really known for my craft skills but nevertheless Missy chose some felt, drew the shape of leaf she wanted and I set about making a little stuffed leaf for her.

I'm quite proud of my resulting leaf and Missy has had it with her ever since, particularly under her pillow at night.  I'm hoping the leaf will help comfort for her in the next few weeks as I suspect anxiety levels will be raised prior to the Celebration Hearing.  We haven't got a confirmed date yet but the Final Hearing is imminent and the SW will confirm a date then.  Missy doesn't know about the Hearings yet and we and her SW will have a conversation with her next week.  How she will react we just don't know.  It may be that the Celebration Day tells her that we really are forever and her anxiety levels reduce, or it may increase her current worries about never seeing her birth mum again before she dies.  We've had lot of tears about this in the last few weeks and we're not really sure what is best to say.  We try to help her understand why she is here with us and not birth mum but any suggestions regarding dying would be most welcome.

Meeting with OT but no coffee allowed

We had a meeting this week with the Occupational Therapist, focusing on Sensory Integration Disorder.

Before matching, the SWs highlighted that there may be sensory issues for Missy and so because of Missy's needs, they arranged an initial assessment for me and Daddy to see the OT.  Prior to the appointment we had to complete a long questionnaire about Missy, detailing how she responded in certain situations - her survival strategies, her attachment behaviour, sensory and vestibular processing, touch, taste, proprioception and her auditory processing.

Her taste and sensory processing interests me a lot.  We saw vasts swings in behaviour when one of her pupils was hugely dilated due to eye drops.  As far as taste is concerned, she tried a bit of Daddy's home made curry last night that nearly blew my head off.  "Yeah, like it" she said, without so much as a blink. She loves strong flavours and has no problem with textures.  It's almost like her taste buds are under-developed?

So, we were greeted by the OT in the reception area and she asked if we would like a drink.  We both said we would like a coffee so off she went to the cafe just behind reception but came back empty handed.  Unfortunately, she was told we could not have coffee in the meeting room due to health and safety!  It was feared that someone might get burnt if one of us were to throw the coffee at her!!  FFS!  Health and safety gone completely bonkers.  I'm surprised they allowed furniture in the room in case one of us threw a chair! .

Bemusement passed and we got down to business. She asked us a lot more about Missy and how she reacts in certain situations.  I like answering these questions because it's like therapy for us and getting stuff off our chests.

The OT is going to have a good read through all her notes and then get back to us with some strategies.  Whilst the Theraplay focussed more on attachment, the OT is going to focus on calming.  No mention was made of an actual diagnosis of SID/SPD.  A couple of things that she did mention, and which actually Daddy and I know yet had stopped doing, was to treat Missy the age she is acting.  She may be 6 but at times she is still a toddler and we need to remember that and act accordingly, particularly when she's having a tantrum - she definitely sounds like a toddler wailing during a tantrum.  We need to be mindful of filling in the blanks that previously had been missed from Missy's life. The OT talked about a calm box which I've seen mentioned before on blogs yet never put one together myself so will get that sorted.  She talked about rough and tumble which Missy LOVES - something to do with her vestibular system and getting the right messages to the brain.  The OT was also pleased to her that I'm learning how to teach children meditation and have tried guided meditations on CD with some success.

So, we await her email and see what she suggests but all in all we came away from the meeting feeling very positive. Once again I remind myself how grateful we are to have access to these support services.

The Magic

Who wants to join me in a piece of Magic?

The Magic is starting next Monday in our house.  No, I'm not talking white rabbits, card tricks or Dynamo. I'm talking about the book called The Magic.  I guess it's best described as a self-help book, part of The Secret series of books.  It's a doing book as over 28 days the reader has different practices to do each day with the intention of opening their eyes to the magic out there.  In addition to different exercises each day, I have to write down 10 things for which I'm grateful, 10 different things each day.  Just doing that exercise alone really makes you think about your life and everything good about it.  The first time I did it, I was surprised at how much there was in my life to be grateful about, from big things like having a roof over my head to little things like a comfy pillow on which to rest my head at night.  You don't have just have to be grateful for things in the present, you can also look back throughout your life.  There were days I struggled and its days like these where you really have to be creative and look around you and your life.

Doing The Magic is all part of my New Year shift to being more positive and by doing so I hopefully bring more positive energies to the house.  It's all part of the Law of Attraction which I subscribe to (though admittedly haven't always followed in the past).  There is a big global movement that believes being more grateful brings more abundance.

When I first did The Magic, it was two years ago and I don't think we'd even started home study.  That month several really good things happened to me including being nominated for a national business award. Anyway, at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna (google if you don't know what I mean), give it a try for yourself.  That's why I've talked about The Magic today, ahead of next week when I start, to give you time to get the book for yourself over the weekend and start with me next Monday. Oh, and you'll need a notebook and pen.

I'm also taking part in #100HappyDays, the idea being you take a picture each day for 100 days about something that's made you happy and brought a smile to your face. You can share them on social media or just do it for yourself, whatever you want.  My first one was jam tart making and yesterday was a bar of chocolate - I suspect food will feature a lot in our photos.  Some will have Missy in and those ones I obviously won't put on Twitter but do keep an eye out for my other photos (@AdoptingSezz) and let me know if you are also taking part.

In other news, we have a Final Hearing date in February.  Hurrah!

Enthusiasm is contagious

I'm a big believer that children feed off our own energies.  When we are stressed, they can feel it too.   So I've taken a leaf out of my own book and started to be much more positive and enthusiastic about things this year.  I may not feel like colouring in or pretending to play air guitar but I've switched my positive head on and joined in.  And actually I've enjoyed myself - I never knew I was so good at air guitar at 9am on a Sunday morning.  Plus with Missy, you only have to engage a short while before she is off doing something else.  My feelings of positivity also help me feel more motivated which helps me get my @rse in gear.

It was interesting then two things caught my attention this week on a similar vein.  Firstly, I'm doing a course about teaching children meditation and up came the phrase "kids will pick up on your energy and discomfort very easily".   When teaching meditation, the adult needs to be relaxed and in the moment, staying self-aware otherwise the children will sense this and their minds will start wandering too.

Secondly, I read an article in this month's What Doctors Don't Tell You (being a lover of all things complementary, this is one of my favourite magazines) about how gentle enthusiasm for even the smallest of changes can help your child progress.  Science has shown the our brains contains 'mirror neurons' that allow us to understand what others are doing not just through their action but also their intentions, emotions and the social meaning of their behaviour, ie our positive feelings can also be felt by our children but also so can negative feelings.  Of course, I feel a slight generalism here as who knows how our childrens' brains wiring and their mirror neurons have been affected by their background. But the writer of the article who has worked with many children with learning difficulties, ADHD and autism, talks about seeing how children with challenges to their brain development have reacted positively to enthusiasm.

We're not talking massive positive praise, flag waving and high fives but instead the enthusiasm comes from within us.  In fact, with Missy, sometimes if we do overly praise her, she will decide that what she has done is rubbish and that she's no good too.  That self-esteem and trust thing a lot of adopted kids struggle with.

Instead of the over-the-top positive affirmations, if we just 'feel' enthusiasm and delight (for even the smallest of things) and amplify it internally, children's brains will sense that something important has occurred.  The child's brain, using those mirror neurons, then helps the child work out what they are feeling and experiencing.  It's the children's own internal experience that then creates a positive reinforcement for them.

So, anyway, regardless of all the science stuff, I'm practicing being more enthusiastic around Missy.  When Missy first came home and we were struggling, I was advised to 'fake it til you make it'.  And yes sometimes I don't feel like being enthusiastic or positive but I do it and, do you know, I feel better for it.  So, if I'm more positive then hopefully Missy will 'mirror' these feelings too.

Yes, yes, I know, God if only it were that blinkin' easy.  But .... we've had a fairly calm start to 2014 - no furniture throwing or door slamming as yet to accompany the strops.

And this is as much about how I feel as I need to pull myself out of the slump of last year.  As Patricia Neal says "A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any drug" which is good because I am never taking any anti-depressants.

A Day in the Life

The post is linking up with The Adoption Social Weekly Shout Out #WASO where this week's theme is A Day in the Life ...


It's 7.00am and the alarm has gone off.  Daddy and I awake bleary-eyed and cling on to the last minutes before the Snooze alarm goes.  Missy is already awake and probably has been for the last half hour (although today she put on her light at 5.30am so Daddy had to go in and explain it was still sleepy time). We never know what sort of mood she'll be in first thing.

I get up first, go downstairs, say hello to the cats, make us all a cup of tea, feed the cats and then start making Missy's school lunch.  I prefer making her lunch as I feel she gets a better balance of nutrients and doesn't overload on wheat, but when the free school meals comes in next September I think we'll go with them.  Missy usually hangs around me whilst I'm making lunch, just to check what's going in.  Food anxiety is still prevalent.  Meanwhile Daddy has a shower before giving Missy a wash.  Then it's my turn in the shower whilst Daddy and Missy have their breakfast.  She's allowed to play once her teeth and hair are done and her bed is made but she faffs about so much that she really doesn't get much play in before it's time to go to school.

The morning school run is nearly always done by Daddy.  It fitted in with his old work hours and we've done it that way ever since.  It's one of the things the SWs loved - the fact that we would have breakfast together and Missy could go to school with Daddy.  Meanwhile I'm catching up on emails, or emptying the dishwasher or ironing or some other job that needs doing.

Whilst Missy is at school, I must admit I faff a bit.  I waste time and really need to get my behind in gear and sort out a loose timetable for me during the week.  I'm a procrastinator these days.  When I worked as a PA I was hugely organised but it's a different story now.  Plus, as Daddy is off work at the mo and when he's having a break from job hunting, we go shopping, have coffee. It's lovely having him around more.

Some days I might meet up with a friend but most of them work.  Once a month we'll meet up with the local adoption coffee group, which I value hugely.  Daddy and I also meet up once a month with four other adopters whose children all go to the school.  We meet in the local coffee shop and have a right laugh - we probably moan too much but we're letting off steam.

3.15pm comes around to quickly and it's time for me to collect Missy from school.  I never know what sort of mood she'll be in, sometimes good, sometimes not, though she does talk to me in the car nowadays which she never used to do in the first few months.  After school, snack is the first thing on Missy's mind and then we'll either play a game, do some drawing, play hairdressers, watch some Cbeebies (although I feel Missy is beginning to outgrow them), swimming lessons one day a week, go to the park in warmer weather - really whatever Missy fancies doing.  After her tea at 5.15pm we'll listen to her read her school book, finish off any other homework and let Missy carry on playing until 7.00pm when it's time for bed.  We aim for quiet time from about 6.30pm but it never really happens. Daddy and I take turns doing the bedtime routine and reading a story but we always both give her a goodnight hug and kiss. As Missy is always on the go, it's no surprise that she's virtually asleep by the time the light goes out.

And then we collapse on the sofa.

Our evenings are spent on the sofa.  I used to wonder why my Mum spent all evening on the sofa after tea and now I know why. Exhaustion.   Daddy and I will have tea, taking it in turns to make it, and then watch telly, read or play on the ipad before we collapse into bed around 10pm.

Ready for another day.

We're quite boring really and we both know we need to get out more and either find some new interests or reignite old ones. But I think the routine is important for Missy and there's plenty of time ahead to do things differently.