A weekend of two halves

Well that was a weekend of two halves.

Friday afternoon continued as the morning started, with a meltdown. Happy as anything walking out of school with a friend but as soon as on her own with me, Missy was miserable, rude and violent and this continued for the next hour. I tried to do the special play that we've learnt through some training but just got a barrage of verbal abuse that upset me so much I was fighting back the tears. As soon as Daddy walked in, I ran upstairs to cry. Daddy was brilliant and although he got screamed at, he did manage to calm Missy down.

Saturday started well. We went to a large camping store and fitted Missy out with some cool walking boots and then went to a local park we'd heard about from other adopters. The play area there is very good and Missy loved it. But back home, when it was time for lunch, Missy went into meltdown again, triggered by not wanting what I was cooking (which on other days she would love). This time she tried to bite me several times, kicked me, said she wanted to kill Daddy and hated us all. She refused to eat her lunch but at the same time screamed at us when we removed it from the table. Unfortunately Daddy and I didn't have our therapeutic hats on and probably could have handled the situation better. Eventually she ate her lunch and then kicked off again, literally. This time I took her to her room to calm down, listen to her CDs and eat some grapes. After about 20 minutes she came down for a hug and apologised to both of us.  The rest of the day was fine and Missy happily watched Matilda whilst Daddy and I did some gardening.  At the end of Matilda, the little girl gets adopted by her lovely teacher, Miss Honey.  Missy came to find me and said "So, Mummy, it's a happy ending because Miss Honey adopts Matilda, a bit like my happy ending with my family".

On Sunday, after breakfast we headed to a local nature reserve for a guided two hour walk. There were about 15 of us, with one other child, listing to the very knowledgable Ranger. It's so lovely down there and used to be part of my regular running routes. I miss running around there but we try to walk there regularly. Missy really enjoyed it, in her new shoes. Then back home for lunch and into another meltdown, again triggered by food that normally she loves.  An hour later and she was calmer, having eaten her lunch. I was tired. I've been feeling quite low the last few days and this dark cloud feeling really wipes me out.  However, the afternoon passed by with Missy helping me sow some seeds and then she spent some time on her bike. She's almost got the hang of riding but still can't get started by herself. But yesterday, after a few huffs and puffs, throwing her bike down and an 'I HAAAATE this bike', she managed it three times. Hurrah! The rest of the day passed without incident.

Yesterday started with a huge tantrum. Triggered by food. Again.

She didn't want what we were having which was smoked salmon (65p bargain bucket), scrambled egg and toast event though she's had it before and thoroughly enjoyed it. The other option was cereal and fruit, which she normally has every day before school. Cue screaming, cheekiness and verbal abuse. She also screamed that she wished she didn't live with us and wanted to live by herself.  As usual she eventually calms down and all is ok, although I'm left feeling battered. If we ask her if she can explain in her own words what is upsetting her, she will more often than not scream "Because of YOU!".  I wondered out loud if it was because of her friend moving.

And then we went for a lovely walk in the local countryside, about 90 minutes, before stopping for our picnic (smoked salmon sandwiches by the way, Missy's choice).  Missy loves walking and we often turn it into a treasure hunt, although she'd found most things in the first 20 minutes. Daddy had planned the walk so as to go via a village green where there is a large play area, so Missy was very happy. And the rest of the day was fairly peaceful.

So that was the weekend. Up and down. Round and round. Daddy and I could do with a rest to recover. We can go on endlessly thinking "is it because of this, its it because of that" and I hate having to analyse everything to consider if it's what is triggering Missy.  This morning Missy just wants to go to school to get away from me apparently (woken up in a bad mood).

At the moment I'll reserve judgement on that happy ending just now if that's ok.

Food (not so) Glorious Food

A month or so after Missy came to us, her food anxiety reared its head.  Portion sizes, other people eating when she's not, obsession with sweet things and when her next meal is have all caused massive anxieties over the last year.  Generally her anxieties have lessened quite considerably which is great but the relationship between her and food is never going to be an easy one.

At a Christmas party with other adopted children, all the kids were served a plate full of party food that the parents had brought and had been shared equally among the children.  Of 20 or so children, 17 ate (apparently) happily, stopped when they were full, were more interested in the games but three, including Missy, stayed at the table until every single crumb had disappeared off their plates.  And then she had jelly and ice cream. And then she won a sweet in Pass the Parcel - as every other child had eaten theirs, I didn't feel it was fair to say no on this occasion.  

Throughout the day Missy will ask about the timing of the next meal or snack.  If we are going somewhere, she will want to know if we will be eating there.  She needs to know exactly what is going in her sandwich bag each day and watches over me whilst I prepare - I used to usher her out the kitchen but soon realised that this was something she needed to do.

We and the SWs can't be sure exactly where her food issues come from.  Unlike some children who go into care, she wasn't consistently deprived of food although we do know suspect that there were times when she went without or was fed at inappopriate times.  She tells me she was fed a lot of sweet stuff and we know that at contact her birth mother would bring a lot of sweet things and Missy would down the lot, probably to please BM.  So it's not the deprivation food that I think is ultimately Missy's issue and thus it was interesting to read this article this week about food issues.

I think Missy's associates food with love.  Being fed equals being loved.  She looks at food as comforter, a friend, an emotional link with her carer. There's also the link with shame.  I get it - I've put on a stone over the last 18 months through 'comfort eating'. Then I'll feel bad about my weight ..... and so eat more because I feel bad.  It's a circle that I can, if I put my mind to it, get out of.  But Missy can't do this, she needs our help to help her work through the deep rooted negative feelings she holds within.