One Year Ago Today .....

This post links up with #WASO on The Adoption Social and this week's theme is the Future.



One year ago today Missy came home to us.

One year ago my and Daddy's life changed beyond anything we could imagine.

We've survived, just about in tact.  Healthwise, it's been a crap year for me.  For someone generally pretty healthy, I've had so many colds, D&V, depression and back pain.  Daddy got to the end of his tether with his job (and so did I) and tomorrow is his last day - hurrah!

Missy had grown in so many years, not just physically.  In fact this morning both Daddy and I commented that she seems to have had a growth spurt recently.  Even though her emotions are up and down, she's come on leaps and bounds in so many other ways - she understands more about right and wrong, she is funny, she's stopped telling whopping lies (the odd one or two sneak in), she can be delightful, she is thoughtful, her reading has improved no end, her anxiety about certain things is lessening, she is catching up with her peers in terms of social behaviour and she copes with change pretty well for the most part.    The graph below is how I see the last year - some ups, some downs all the way along, but the overall result at the end is up.

As Daddy is working today and not home til after Missy's tea time, we are going to celebrate with a family meal next week but for today I've said that Missy can choose her favourite thing for her tea.  Pizza, of course.  We were also so proud of her this morning as she did a brilliant run of 1.7 miles and beat her PB by 3 minutes.   I'm not sure how other people celebrate this time, if indeed they do.  Once the adoption order goes through, we might end up celebrating that day instead, not sure.  One friend very thoughtfully sent a One Year Anniversary card which was lovely, particularly as I haven't heard from her much this year.  I don't suppose anyone else will remember it's been one whole year.

But what of the future?   I hope her anger is a 'phase', maybe Year 1-itis (I'm sure I didn't get this much homework when I was 6).   I hope her anger doesn't get in her way as she grows up as she has so much potential.  I hope her self-esteem improves and doesn't hold her back.  I hope her relationship with food doesn't impact on her life.  I hope we can build a great mother-daughter relationship. I also hope we can build a positive relationship with her much older half-siblings when the time is right.

For me and Daddy, I hope he can find a great job that is Monday to Friday although I'm really not sure what I want to do.  Being self-employed is too hard for me at the moment as I don't feel emotionally strong enough, but I lack so much confidence to go back to being an employee.

I think we just need to continue month by month, year by year at the moment.  Maybe we should live by the quote from Buddha - "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present".

It's Party Time

Did you see in the news this week the report about a teacher banning party invitations being given out at school unless it was the whole class?   Even though Missy has been invited to several whole-class parties, I felt for her it would be too overwhelming (and us too, lets be honest!).  Instead I suggested she invite 5 friends from her class.  This meant I had to surreptitiusoy give out the invitations - or at least it felt like it - in the playground.  I do hope no-one was offended, but if Missy doesn't get invited to a couple of birthdays then I'll probably know why.

Missy had been out of sorts of late and one of the reaons could have been her birthday - not knowing what a birthday means in this house, would she get a present, would it be fun?   We found it easier to involve her and not let there be any big surprises so she knew exactly what her cake was like, the games we would be playing, what we were doing on her actual birthday, that we had got her a Birthday badge etc.   On the birthday itself we got up a little earlier so she could open her presents - not too many, just one big one from us and close family plus the neighbours.  Pizza was chosen by Missy for her birthday tea and I decorated some muffins with icing and stuck a few candles in as I thought it would be nice that she didn't have to wait for her party to blow some out.

Party-day arrived and Missy was brimming with excitement.  We had a semi-Hello Kitty theme and the girls wore their best party dresses, which makes a change from Princess or Pirate outfits to be honest.  Daddy and my Mum were here and the school gate friend offered to help out as well.

I'd taken a few cues from the party Missy had been to last week plus included a few standard games like Pass The Parcel, Pin the Bow on Hello Kitty, Musical Statues etc.  Of course, One Direction figured as well with dancing to said group several times during the afternoon.  After games it was time for tea - mini burgers and rolls, home made ice cream and cake.  The home made ice cream was a Jamie Oliver recipe and his little ones seemed to love it - not in this house though. No-one really liked it, except of course Missy.  Oh well, it seemed a good idea.  What was a good idea however was decorating cup cakes.  Thankfully not that many hundreds and thousands and silver balls ended up on the carpet as we had forgotten to put a covering down. No sooner were they decorated than they disappeared into tummys.  Then it was time for Birthday Cake and candles and Happy Birthday followed by a bit more dancing and then it was 5pm!  I breathed a sigh of relief at how well the party had gone and Missy seemed to enjoy herself without getting too overwhelmed.  

And, now that's she six, she hasn't hit me or wet her knickers because "six year olds don't do that".  

"I'll stop hitting you when I'm six"

"I'll stop hitting you when I'm six" said Missy, as we drove to soft play.   Thanks, I thought.

Missy has been off sorts lately.  I've seen a couple of big tantrums, some full-on, throat wretching, ear-piercing screaming with venom in her eyes.  The word 'no' is prevalent, she's been talking about "when I was a baby" a lot and would definitely win Miss Attitude.  She's also been very lovely, sweet, helpful and funny, don't get me wrong, but the negative behaviour is of the like we saw earlier in the year.  

Could be several things that have set her off - perhaps her birthday, bringing back memories, not really knowing whether her new mummy and daddy will actually buy her a present, what happens on birthdays in this house?  Perhaps it's the eye drops she is back on.  I can actually pinpoint the day the tantrums started again and that was the day she started back on the eye drops.  If there was a more natural way to help her eyesight improve, I'd jump at it, but unfortunately the drops are the best solution right now.  One of the side effects is irritability and  I can't imagine what it's like to have one eye's vision blurred out so the lazy eye will work harder.  I think I'd be irritable.  It may be both these issues mixed in with a dose of school stuff.

A couple of times in the last week I had to walk out her room, once after she'd kicked me quite hard.  I was nearly in tears and Daddy took over bedtime duties instead.  Yesterday, she angrily wanted me to choose what she was going to wear, but unfortunately didn't like anything I chose.  I calmly said that it might be better if she chose and when she was ready to let me know and I would help her get ready and then we could have a hug.  I walked downstairs, again nearly in tears because of her venom towards me.  Crying and screaming followed but then silence and she appeared five minutes later in a lovely pink skirt and top, we had a hug and started playing with Lego.

At the beginning we felt we were walking on eggshells around Missy.  I think that feeling has pretty much gone now.  I can, largely, deal with her tantrums, help her make decisions, know when she needs some space, when simply watching Cbeebies is the right thing for her, when she's hit the tiredness wall.  

Missy went to her friends birthday party last week, where her friend had invited five other girls from the class.  Friend's mum invited me to stay and asked if I would like to help out which I was happy too, not necessarily because I wanted to keep an eye on Missy, more to make a few notes on what the heck you do for a girl's birthday party!   There are loads of way in which you can see how Missy has grown up, progressed over the last year, but along side her friends I could also see how socially and behaviorally she is a few months behind.  Not by much at all, not compared to, say, the school disco.   Reading is one area in which she is behind, she's only just reading books for the 4-5 year band, but you know what, I'm not going to stress over this. I doubt she read or was read to much before. Missy shows her flair in other areas: drawing, creating, sport.  In fact she came for a little jog with me yesterday, just half a mile which we'll gradually increase as we've signed up for the Sport Relief Mile next March.  She's also just about got the hang of riding a bike although straight lines are a little difficult at the moment.

I wonder if she'll remember what she said to me in the car.

In other news, I went to a House of Colour open day last weekend and got myself a bright red lippy! Never ever worn bright red before but the make up artist chose just the right colour for me.  I tell you, it does wonders for your confidence.

Support

This blog links up with #WASO - the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.

Like all adopters, when going through the process towards approval, we had to show that we had a good support network.

On paper ours was excellent: family, close friends, other friends, adopters, work-related people, social services, neighbours.

The reality has been, well, different. Some friends have disappeared, some people who I thought would call regularly haven't called once to see how we are. It was rather like when my Dad died - lots of people immediately expressed their sorrow, their care, their sadness but then went quiet on me - in fact one friend never called and when I later asked him why, he said that he didn't know what to say. Maybe that's it, people don't know what to say to us, think they're intruding, think we'll be too busy. I don't know. I don't think it's just up to us to be constantly updating people is it?

Of course, we have had some wonderful support. My mum has been brill and one mum at school has been so lovely (the only mum who knows); adopters who live locally; social services have been very good too (yes, really), spending lots of time with us in the early days listening, offering suggestions and arranging theraplay and one of my best friends has been so supportive.

But I think one of the biggest areas of support are from people I've never met, may never meet or even know their real names and that's the online community.  Through Twitter, the blogging community and The Adoption Social website, I've linked up with other adopters, shared problems, shared positive moments, shared advice, cried, laughed and compared chocolate binges. These are the mums and dads who completely understand how we feel, who have children with similar behaviours and just 'get it'.  Even when I'm stuck indoors, not wanting to leave the sofa, I know I can log on to Twitter and find someone to chat with, someone in the same shoes as me and then I don't feel so isolated.

Blimey, how on earth would I have coped without social media!

In other news, I wasn't successful in the London Marathon ballot <breathes sigh of relief>. Once again, Daddy, me and Missy will cheer from the sidelines.

Theraplay Review and a big change

Firstly, do you like the new colour of the blog?  I like the autumnal feel and the slight quirkyness of it.

Today we had a review meeting with the Theraplay therapist just to discuss how the summer had gone and to decide if we need more sessions.  Daddy came too.  I emailed her in the week with a summary of the two months since we'd last had a session and discussed one or two points such as her food issue, anger management and her relationship with Daddy (which I think is brilliant).  The therapist felt that her attachment to Daddy was much quicker than me because she had had experience of a chaotic birth mum, so wasn't sure what I'd be like and therefore tested me a lot, whereas she'd never experienced a father figure before and so just assume that how Daddy acted was right.  I hadn't looked at it from that point of view before.  Daddy isn't still sure he feels like a Daddy yet, he says he feels like a Guardian, but that's a step forward from a few months ago.  I think he makes a great Daddy.

The post adoption support social worker was there too and both asked us if there was any more support we needed.  I feel like we've reached a plateau at the moment but feel that when Missy turns 8/9, at the age when cognition is greater, that she may need to return for some sessions.  Before we put in the adoption order we wanted to make sure that this support would still be available post adoption.  I must have asked several times and each time they assured me it would still be available which is very comforting to know.   So, for now, weekly Theraplay sessions have stopped until such time we feel we need them again.

In other news, and it's a whopper really, Daddy has decided to resign from his job.

A risk yes, but we'll take it.  For any prospective adopters reading this blog, if you are in a couple and one or both of you work on a rota basis, think very hard about your work situation.  Daddy currently works five days in seven, always has to be in on a Saturday and most Sundays.  Working at weekends doesn't mix when you adopt a child who goes to school.  When Daddy isn't working he sees Missy in the morning, and then again 3.30pm til 7pm.  We can't go out for family days out and Daddy is too knackered from work on his days off to want to do much.  Daddy has been very stressed lately and it all came to a head this week.  I'm fully supportive and we have enough in the bank to keep us comfortable for a while whilst Daddy looks for a Monday to Friday job.  He has a fantastic work ethic and will work bloody hard during the week, it's just that working at weekends doesn't work for us as adopters.   And we'll get a proper Christmas, hurrah!  Daddy's always had to work Christmas Eve and is usually back in work on Boxing Day or the day after.

I think it can only strengthen the family unit as there is soooooo much we can do all together at weekends.  We told the therapist and the post adoption support worker yesterday and they also felt it will be very good for us.

Right, time to go to the hospital for Missy's appointment with the eye consultant.  Oh joy. Do you know, they charge £3.50 for parking?! Out-flippin-rageous.

Earth Mother

The start of the September term still feels to me like a new year, even years after finishing school.   I often re-evaluate what I'm doing, start new projects, even more so than on 1st January.  This year is no different yet it's very different.  Actually, as they say in Vietnam "Same, same but different".

I gave up work a year ago as requested by the social workers so I could devote all my time to looking after Missy.   Back in April I desperately needed to find a focus to help me out of my depression and I turned back to one of my roles which is a home-based business.   Unfortunately, something unpleasant relating to that business completely threw me off balance 6 weeks ago, so much so that I'm not sure if I want to continue. It's left a bad taste in my mouth and I don't have the energy to fight it.  Yet it might be good for me in the long run.

I was reading Green Parent magazine this weekend and, what with the change in seasons, I'm feeling a connection back to what I think in my heart I'm truly about which is related to holistic health and trying to be more green than the average person in the street.  One friend described me as an 'earth mother' type. Not how I'd describe me but I quite liked that. However please don't get the image of flowers in hair and flowy skirts; I do like Costa Coffee and flying long-haul (that said, I did bag a bargain flowy skirt for a £1 in the local charity shop yesterday).  I do have things in my hair although it's more than likely some decoration that Missy has fashioned out of paper.  Though come to think of it, she did put a twig of thyme from the garden in my hair last week.  Ha, maybe I am earth mother after all!

Anyway, I'm going to start looking at how I can fit what I want to do around Missy's school hours - I still definitely need to be there for her after school.  I've also signed up to a course teaching children how to meditate with a view to doing this in schools.  Somewhere along the line, I'd love to utilise my skills specifically to help children with trauma but this probably won't be for a few years.

Going back to the hairdressing, it's one thing that seems to help Missy relax and regulate.  She would do it for hours in my hair and I'm happy to let her.  I've also introduced her to meditation using a CD which we play after she's had her bedtime story and isn't too tired already.  She loves it and often requests it and I definitely noticed a difference in her behaviour when I started using it.  Hence why I want to learn it.

My own relaxation comes from reading a good book or magazine, baking, giving myself reiki or, on a sunny day, just sitting in the garden (obviously mostly activities I do when Missy is at school). Vegging in front of the tv is also high on the list particularly if its a cooking programme. I love running too although haven't done much this year but I intend to start again regularly next week.  If I'm feeling flushed I might even treat myself to a massage. I also LOVE Bowen therapy and have just come back from having a treatment to help a back and shoulder problem.  I love relaxing; it's hugely important and one thing I would tell my clients over and over was to make time for themselves.  Sod the dusting!  Chilling out and being good to yourself is key to good health and less stress and boy do us adopters have stress!

Right, where's the five foot pile of magazines I need to catch up on?

This point links up with #WASO

Back to school - and an Award!

Whilst the holidays were more enjoyable than I was expecting, I was truly glad when last Tuesday came around and Missy returned to school.  My Facebook timeline was full of mums posting tearful messages and photos of their darlings in their uniform on their first days back.  Of course, I can't post photos.  I also didn't feel tearful.  Thankfully, the one Mum at school who knows about Missy was also hugely relieved and not at all sad the holidays were over so we were both glad that someone else felt the same and didn't feel so guilty.

Missy has had mixed emotions about going back to school.  Throughout the summer, if asked, she's been very proud to announce that she's starting in Year 1 this term.  To her, this means she's a big girl now.  Depending on when you asked her, she was either looking forward to going back to school or not.  She wasn't sure about having less playtime and more learning numbers and letters.  Actually, going on what the teacher said last term, she won't notice the gentle transition they put in place from Reception to Year 1.  The first few weeks is still very much child-led play-based, moving gently on to teacher-led work.

In the few days before going back to school there wasn't much change in Missy's behaviour.  Bedtime was a little earlier than it had been during the holidays and we talked lots about seeing her friends and the teachers. Tuesday morning there were no tantrums or tears as expected and as soon as she got to the playground she was straight back into playing with friends, like they hadn't been apart for 6 weeks.

What we have noticed is that even for Missy who is always on the go, these last four days back at school have been exhausting for her.  Last night she was almost falling asleep before she'd had her meal and this morning she was very unsettled, wanting lots of hugs and reassurance.  She wanted to stay at home all day with Daddy and me, but again once when we got to school she was fine.  Very early night tonight methinks.

The wetting has started again though (sigh).  Throughout the holidays I think she only wet a couple of times and I thought we'd got past it.  Missy even said to me without prompting that she wasn't going to wet herself as she was in Year 1 now.  But yesterday, as she came out of school with a plastic bag in had, I knew she'd wet herself again.  At least this time she'd told a teacher who got her changed into fresh knickers.  Still haven't got this one sussed yet.

Actually, it seems Missy's first week back has gone very well indeed   - whilst writing this post, Missy has come in from school having been awarded the school's UNICEF Rights & Respect Award for her year for settling back into school so well and learning the class routines.  How cool!  Well done Missy.

And no wet knickers either.