Overwhelmed

I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed today and burst into tears whilst sat in car in car park.

The bathroom is still being refurbed and because we've had so much on our minds, we've left it a tad late to sort out bathroom accessories.  I mean, on the grand scheme of things, how important is an illuminated mirror, but it just set me off.  I'd tried everywhere today to find the one we want but in the end we'll just have to order it and fix it ourselves rather than having the fitters do it.  So much more to do in so little time. The house is not the tidiest and we've still to do our introduction book and DVD that will be given to our daughter-to-be in a week's time but can't do that til bathroom is done!

It was the last day today at a place where I do some of my work.   One of my clients brought me flowers and that nearly set me off.  I won't be returning there because birth mum lives in the town and it's looking likely we'll be meeting her in due course which, if I'm honest, I'm really not looking forward to.

Then there was my Facebook timeline today, full of babies.  I think every other post from one of my Facebook friends was a picture or comment about their babies and whilst I'm delighted for them and the fact that baby has now been potty trained, today, just today, it got to me.  For the most part, I am at peace with the fact I won't be a birth mother, but I have the odd moment when things like today just come at me like a powerful right hook.  It's the combination of everything going on at the moment.  I'm ok now, I've done some EFT on myself and had some lemon drizzle cake and tea at M&S whilst reading a parenting magazine, a rather good one actually called The Green Parent and I think I may subscribe.

Oh and then there's the school issue.  The two schools we have as our first and second choice are saying there is no room and, despite our little one being 'looked after' status, it seems there is no budging at the moment and they legally can't have more than 30 kids in the classroom.  So we have an appointment to look at another school on Monday which is a church school.  It's not one that was even on our radar but actually I'm intrigued.  I wouldn't say I'm religious, more spiritual, but I have been thinking about going to church for a while now.  I love their motto which is right up my alley and the values they teach the children.  Daddy-to-be however isn't religious and not interested in the slightest about going to church so I wonder what the Head will think of that, and the fact we aren't married (yet).  I'll update on Monday.

The paperwork from my last post is still there too, plus more has mysteriously appeared on the dining room table.

What else - well the fact that my laptop on which I was typing this post just closed down nearly saw a flood of tears in the lounge, but I have gone upstairs to the PC and thankfully lovely blogger.com had saved what I had written.  Phew!

Honestly, I would be all evening listing the things that are overwhelming me at the moment but I don't want to bore anyone else who might be reading this blog, so I'll leave it there for now.  I can't even wallow in a bath because we haven't got one!

Matching Panel on Monday - the meeting time has changed three times now.

Paperwork

I'm drowning a little in paperwork at the moment.   We received our Adoption Placement Plan, nearly 30 pages, and Adoption Support Plan last week.  We now have two box files full of paperwork plus a full Foolscap folder, plus various books from our reading list.  Both plans were very detailed and we were quite happy with the content, just a few minor points that we weren't sure about. Plus another medical issue has come up, well it's more that a name has been given to some characteristics (I won't go into details now) and I've now bookmarked a load of websites about this. I've been reading one of the suggested books all week, although I'm still left with a 'yes, and ....?" after reading it.  It also looks like we will be adding to the pile of paperwork judging by the list of things that legally have to be handed over, signed, made aware to us on the day of placement.  I had one of my "oh heck what are we doing moments"...luckily it was only a moment.  When I get those moments, I think to myself how would I feel if social services phoned tomorrow and said it was cancelled.  I know I'd be extremely upset.

Also drowning under paperwork is my desk.  Bizarrely when I worked in an office in another life, I had the tidiest desk and drawers.  Not so good at home.  Daddy-to-be is not impressed. And this needs to be sorted out this week, along with some bookkeeping - there's a pile of receipts on the dining table that are shouting my name every time I walk past them.

Oh and I'm up to my elbows in course work, something that I wanted to get done before the adoption happened.  I've just learnt EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique - the tapping therapy - and have to say it's been wonderfully helpful recently.  Since the course, I haven't had a major anxiety attack and it's been helping my jaw pain after the dentist last week!  Maybe I can tap on my feeling of drowning under paperwork.

We haven't got any adoption-related meetings this week but I'm quite sure the emails will be flowing back and forth.  We've got school to sort out.  We've chosen our favourite local school so I assume there will be some paperwork related to that, just waiting to hear back from DDs social worker.

In other news, Great British Bake Off, which I love, inspired me to make Rough Puff Pastry yesterday, the first time in 30 years and the ensuing Russian Fish Pie was rather good even though I say so myself.  I am really looking forward to baking with my daughter.

A week tomorrow to Matching Panel.

Nieces can't wait ..

I had dinner at my Mum's last night and my two nieces were there, aged 21 and 29 (or have I just aged your M?).  I love seeing my nieces at mum's and we always have a good laugh.  I think M is one of the funniest people I know and they are both so excited about the forthcoming arrival.  M was asking all sorts of questions, the same we in turn have asked the social workers.  I shared the background, which I am only sharing with immediate family, as I think it's important they know and as my family tree on my brother's side has, how shall I put it, many branches and twigs, I've asked the girls to help me create a visual family tree and a book introducing the most important members that our girl will get to know.  I can't wait to see it.

It will probably be Christmas (oh it's September and I'm already thinking about the C word) before most of rest of family get to meet our daughter but I think we'll have to do a rota so it's not too overwhelming for her (and us!).  Christmas Day will be just the three of us then hopefully Boxing Day and the days after we can have rest of family around.  Daddy-to-be's family will be introduced in January as his sister is off to New Zealand for a month over Christmas (lucky thing, would love to go one day).

We had our Adoption Support Plan emailed to us today which I've skimmed through and will read in detail when Daddy-to-be gets home, but on the face of it it looks good with plenty of support being put in place. Rest assured I will be calling on every single piece of support should we need it.  I don't doubt actually that our Local Authority will ensure this happens, although I have read on the forum that some adopters get no support at all which is so unhelpful to the adopters and the adoptee. So far, I have to say that our LA has been great.

In other news, my anxiety levels have reduced considerably and I think the Emotional Freedom Technique Level 2 course I did 10 days ago has certainly helped.  Or is it that this agony in my mouth has taken over any other emotions? - I had a filling replaced and redone today and am not a happy bunny.

12 days to Matching Panel.

Busy week but can't make decisions

On top of the meeting with foster carers on Monday, we also had a meeting this week at a local hospital with the Paediatrician  to go through medical records.  I hate hospitals (although I do love 24 Hours in A&E - have you watched that?). Hospitals feel cold and uninviting.  Maybe I'm picking up on negative energies all around. But the Paediatrician put us at ease and went through various points.  I really liked her pragmatic approach and came away from the meeting feeling much happier about a few points.

This morning Daddy-to-be and I went to look round a local primary school. In all honesty I haven't a clue what to look for in a primary school since it's rather different 30+ years on since I was at one but other parents have said 'just get a gut instinct'.  We got a good one today and it's top of our list so far.  The one I visited last week just didn't feel right and in fact a neighbour has just given her opinion of it, so it's definitely at the bottom of our list.  The two other schools in between have yet to be visited but we're hearing good reports from people.

We've told our closest friends and am gradually telling a few other friends as the time is right.  I've put a few cryptic statuses on Facebook, with lots of Likes from those that know and ????s from those that don't.  We just told our next door neighbours and they were really happy although our immediate neighbour is already canvassing for her to be a fan of his football club rather than the other big one local to these parts!

What else have we been done?  We're having a new bathroom put in from next Monday so got things like tiles, mirrors and lights to choose.  I can't make decisions about decor at the best of times let alone when my head is full of adoption stuff so we're getting the advice of my Mum as she's great at things like that.   We went to Topps Tiles this morning but both came out with blank faces.  Next door was Halfords so we went in to look at car seats - why do they have to make so many types to choose from?  The assistant in Halfords had difficulty showing us how to fix one particular brand to the car seat, not the best advert really.

We didn't have trouble making a decision about tonight though - we're going to our favourite Vietnamese restaurant as it will be the last time for a very long time.

Meeting the Foster Carer

We've now met with the Foster Carers, the couple that have been caring for our Little One over the past year.  Blimey, was I nervous walking up to their front door.  I made Mr go first.  But all was ok and they are a lovely couple.   I'd read some negative comments about FCs on a forum, how they can be resentful of adopters taking their charge away, how some adopters feel they haven't done a good job etc.  But no, this couple were great - really honest with us about the pros and cons, obviously care a lot about her but at the same time very happy she has been found a new mummy and daddy.  The male FC had a similar sense of humour to Mr Sezz, which was good and created a bond.  Not sure the social workers get their sense of humour which amuses me.

The main FC gave us so much information and was mildly amused to see my extremely long list of questions but actually most of the questions were covered in general conversation.  One thing that comes up for me and Mr Sezz is that each time we start long conversations about our daughter-to-be, be it with her social worker, our social worker, foster carer, we both feel a dip in emotions, something scares us and we think "uh ooh", but by the end of the conversation our resolve is even stronger to adopt her.  Not sure why that is, just nerves maybe? and the realisation that the big day is getting nearer and she is becoming a reality.

What the meeting did show me at the end was that even more so now I think we are a fantastic match for her.  Let's hope Matching Panel do too.

I told one of the neighbours yesterday - well actually she'd found out via her daughter who works at one of the schools I've looked around.  She was so happy for me and Mr.  Her granddaughter, who is a year younger, lives just down the road so hopefully we have a local playmate for Little One.

Transitions

Yesterday we attended our Transitions Workshop.  This teaches us all about how to handle the introduction stage; how we introduce ourselves to our Little One using a DVD and book; how we prepare the house; what happens during the two weeks of introductions and what we need to do in the first few weeks of placement.

I could feel my anxiety levels going up and my heart pounding.  There's so much to do and to remember.  But everything the social workers suggest is of course positive and will help us make the transition as easy and as calm as possible for us and our soon-to-be-daughter.

Just as well I didn't go and buy a duvet set though.  I've been looking and seen some really cute and pretty ones, but we were told yesterday to make the bedroom as plain a possible so there is less info bombarding her little brain; she'll have enough to take in without trying to process all the colours and patterns on the bedding.  In time we can make a big thing of letting her choose what bedding she'll like - after all, we actually don't know yet if she likes fairies, cupcakes or princesses.

We do need to buy some fleecy blankets and cushions though, as they are great for snuggling in or hiding in, or wrapping yourself up against the world in. Dunelm Mill is going to do well out of us.  Ikea do these really cute little tents for the bedroom - I wonder if she'll like that.  I used to like making dens when I was little, shutting myself away for a while, just me and my dolls.  I still like tents actually - there's something very cosy and comforting about climbing in, pulling up the zip, saying good bye to the outside world and  getting cozy in the sleeping bag.  Actually I hated Girl Guide camp, but that was probably a big thing to do with being packed off at 11 with a big group of girls, half of whom I didnt know, half were hormonal, having to clean out the lats and falling out with best friend.  Urgh, I shudder at the thought now.  But I was reintroduced to camping in my 20s and I love it now. Anyway, I digress.

We need to prepare a two minute DVD showing, saying hello to to her and showing her around our house.  I'm stressing at that already.  Of course, it doesn't have to be Oscar material, but we want to get it right.  I predict also lots of giggling doing it as my Mum will have to do the recording whilst we read our scripts and get tongue tied.

4 weeks to go to Matching Panel.

Head on Spin Cycle

"Adoption is like all the stress of pregnancy but without a due date".   Oh how true!  I heard this saying back when we started the process and it's a perfect description.

If I were pregnant right now I'd be around 33 weeks.  I'd know the due date of my baby, I'd know when all my hospital appointments/ante-natal classes are, we'd be able to plan for everything.  But I'm not pregnant.  Yes we've been linked with a little girl and have discussed a potential due date for her coming her permanently, but that was about three weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since.  We don't know date for Matching Panel and we haven't yet got a date to meet Little One's social worker.  We don't know what clothes she'll come with so we don't know what to buy.  We don't know what toys and books she'll come with (although we have been told she had got a lot).  In fact, we don't actually know for certain she's coming to us. Something might hold up the process, something might halt the process.  Then again we could be parents at the end of October.

I feel kind of in limbo.  As primary carer I am expected to give up my job for 6-12 months.  As I'm self-employed, in one sense that makes things easier but on the other hand I get no adoption pay (very unfair as self employed birth mothers get maternity allowance!).  I have two roles and one of them I am starting to wind down, not take on new clients and am advising current clients that I won't be available for a while until into the New Year.  My other role, well I can sort of keep that going - I know I will be physically and mentally exhausted but I have a great team that will look after each other whilst I'm not around - I'll explain more another time.

I've been reading a lot about adoption and being a Mum in general; NetMums, MumNet, Adoption UK websites.  My head is really in a spin.  I feel excited, I feel nervous, I feel in limbo, I feel worried, I feel this is so right, I feel .....well, I'm not sure, a whole mix of emotions.  I'm downing Royal Jelly like it's going out of fashion and generally trying to be good to myself.

In the meantime, Daddy-to-be and me are going to the Paralympic Athletics today.  I am soooo excited about this.  These Paralympians are truly amazing and awesome.  I wonder if our little one will like sport - I hope so as we do like our sport in this family.